20221003 Short feelings on my life here

These days I have trouble finding what I should do.

I hate the life here, but I shouldn't complain 'cause there are things way worse out there. My high school, for example, is totally hell for me. Since middle school, I was always in a highly competitive environment--everybody cramming and I am far from the best. I kind of dislike this kind of life of cramming and pressure and want to take a break.

The thing about Chinese school is that you lost yourself in here, you don't know what you truly likes, and what you should do. Everybody and everything is mainly about cramming for scores, and not really from learning, which make me hate learning and hate school.

I believed high school is even far worse than my middle school, a school specialized in math competitions. I think my middle school is really kinda like here.

After high school I came to the realization that I am bad at practically everything, which is of course not true. However, I was bad at nearly all exams (except math and physics), and I did not have a specialization in scome sports or music. High school exams damage your learning passion since all it gives is negative results. I abandoned all my hobbies after high school. I really hate that year.

The main difference between high school and here is that you got to learn something here and also that I am far better in ranking position here.

Thus, I really cherish my life here, and I believe that the chance to study in university 2 years earlier is so precious. I guess that I should work really hard on schoolwork and get a decent score.

In the future I will probably be a computer scientist or a data analyst? Probably my life will include applied mathematics and computer programming, because otherwise I found myself useless in other areas.

Now my activites are mainly focused on 4 things, school study, life chores, running, and algebra. I don't know what else to do and having lost all my interest in programming after the incident I really couldn't find a way out of this mess. I believe that the only way to find joy here is to pursue your interest, and number theory is my interest all through my life.

I really hope to get out of this Chinese high-pressured environment, well at least for a couple of months. However, I mistakenly withdrew my application to a spring-semester exchange program and thus found no place to go to this spring, meaning that I am kinda stuck here for the spring semester.

I can't find anything interesting when it is combined with tests and scores, I find it quite boring and stupid. I shouldn't care for the GPA, instead, I should focus on getting joy from learning.

Anyway, as I had chosen math as my major, I probably can't really afford time next semester to do some actual research on other topics, like computer science. Anyway, my computer programming skills are fairly limited, and I seriously dont want to learn anymore now, apart from all the pressured classes.

If given another chance, I would choose a different major or study at a US university. I dont know about other universities and majors, and don't know or care what they are like actually. All I know is that I have no interest at all in studying since it is so full of cramming here in USTC. I only know that our computer science department is really boring and I can't be a top programming in one day, that will require hard work. Math courses, on the other hand, are quite interesting. I can have interest in mathematics and try to research a bit on that topic. Anyway, I would leave regrets in my life if I didn't study number theory anymore. What's more, I may be short-sighted if I am seeing the computer too much, so I may as well be studying math for a while till I am older and my sight more stable. I don't find any downsides of studying mathematics except that I may fell a little tired at times. Anyways, playing games is tiring all the same, and there is really no other activities currently that I am interested in. I know it is kind of strange and I actually wants to study in a normal university but who can help it? Let the sophomore year be fun!

If one day I found that I don't like the life ourside USTC or Shibei Middle school, then I would gladly return to this kind of life. However, in the meantime, I would like to try something new is possible. I had a few fond memories of US and SMIC school, anyway. I hope my life in US (I hope that will come soon) will be similiar to that kind of experience.

20221013 Pros and Cons of Playing Computer Games

The Pros of Playing Computer Games

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Cons of Playing Computer Games

Gain nothing

Out of doing all activities, one gains nothing playing computer games. I can learn about other people's lives, experiences, knowledge about life reading books. I can learn about math and computer science watching YouTube. Exercising can help build my body and relax. Doing housework can help me feel comfortable. However, computer games have none of these effects.

Computer games require little skill to understand and play. They are simple and boring--everybody is alike in the game. You cannot learn anything by playing computer games.

Time consuming

Computer Games result in wasting much of my spare time. What's more, I always play more than I intend to. For example, once I started playing "zombsroyal", I usually can't stop and keep on playing for four hours. Computer Games are simply too addicting, their effects just like drugs. One can easily spend an entire day doing nothing and playing computer games, and not even noticing time passing. I have just so much more time
to do other things if I quit computer games.

Some people might argue that "he is just tired," or he can't do anything much in these hours besides playing computer games. This sounds very strange and absurd. When I am playing video games, my brain is still doing work --when I am playing "generals" or "2048", I am always thinking about the strategies and how to win. A really tired person can't play video games. Just taking a walk in the park, or reading a literature book, or watching an inspirational video on YouTube, which usually takes about only 1 hour or less, one can easily put the time to use!

Long Recovery Period

After I play computer games, I always feel dizzy and disoriented--I need to rest and cannot go straight back to my work. However, when I finished walking, or reading English books, or sleeping, I go back to doing math fully refreshed. Playing computer games consumes not only the time one spends looking at the screen, but also puts one in a dysfunctional state long after finishing. I cannot go back to studying after playing video games. In fact, usually the whole day is wasted.

Sleeping trouble

Playing games brings excitement. Playing games at night may affect one's sleep. Sometimes game addicts will stay up to 12:00 pm to play games, which causes significant distress the next day. Sleeping is really important to one's well-being, and one's efficiency of learning math and computer science.

Harmful to eyes

Since computer games are so addicting, one usually spends so much time looking at the screen without even blinking, which can be very harmful to one's eyes. My eyes on August 2022 are 0.8 and 0.6, which aren't very good. I should really take the matters seriously. Other computer activities, like coding or watching YouTube, don't require one to keep his eyes open all the time, leading to a less harmful effect on the eyes. Doing outdoor activities are very good for the eyes, especially after sitting in the classroom all day long.

Harmful to Health

When I play games, I usually sit rigid for hours. I don't drink water or go to the bathroom, which can have a negative effect on the body.

Getting Isolated

Since playing games is something I can enjoy alone, I usually isolate myself from society when playing video games. Thus, playing games stop me from making friends and communicating with my schoolmates effectively.

Meaningless life

Since games are immersive and addictive, one may easily forget about life altogether after spending much time on games--real life doesn't matter that much, compared to the game. Instead of challenging and trying to go through the difficulties--tests, homework, competition, one tends to avoid and find a way of escaping, always into a game. One may consider the game as an exit to all the sorrows and real hardships in life. However, these problems always exist, and simply won't go away. Thus, one adopts a negative attitude towards life and sneaks himself away from it. One will also turn a blind eye to his relatives or friends. Since the game is meaningless, one's life is meaningless as well.

Inappropriate behavior

After playing gun games, one will sometimes try out the actions used in the games. One may constantly think about fighting--committing crimes and murdering--instead of studying math and computer science. Sometimes game addicts don't like to sit down in a classroom and study math because they are too restless. Sometimes game addicts adopt the same kind of behavior towards his classmates, which leads to violent behaviors and him being hated by all. Since there are usually those strange sounds in games, one may choose to imitate them after playing too much. As a result, one may constantly speak profanity (words like damn) and curse others. This is very inappropriate behavior,considered barbaric.

Limited ability

Since games are simple and human reaction speed is limited, computer programs can easily outplay human players. You can just never win a very good computer program in a game. Spending more time studying machine learning and computer science can bring about far more success in video games. Thus, it is meaningless (everything is limited by the game-maker and players are manipulated) to play computer games yourself.

Distracting others

Playing games usually includes a lot of mouse clicking or exclaiming, which can really disturb other students around you who are trying to do math. The music in games and the flashing light also make people feel restless. This is really annoying to others who are trying to do homework.

Why I Should QUIT

It is obvious from the reasons above that the cons outweigh the pros. At the same time, I obtain much more advantage from doing other activities.

Another Approach to the Pros

Helps forget things

Try sleeping at 8, or 7 pm at night.

Instant reward

One really doesn't need to fill his brain with dopamine all day long. Being excited causes multiple troubles for the brain itself.

React Faster

One really doesn't need to react faster to solve problems. Instead, one should think deeply and thoroughly, and dedicate one's mind to the knowledge in order to do that.

20221016 Loneliness

Fools, said I, you do not know
Loneliness like a cancer grows
But my words like silent raindrops fall
Echoed in the wells of silence

These days I feel a sense of loneliness and depression, particularly from not being able to understand the math courses and finish the homework. When I am depressed, I would usually go play video games. I remember feeling like this in my middle school. However, at that time, I didn't feel lonely because my parents live with me. Now I feel seriously lonely and don't know what to do.

I sometimes feel sleep deprived, other times not wanting to sleep, for example, sometimes at night. I hate school really much and don't want to follow the rules. However, I can't think about anything interesting to do beyond school. I think my life is really boring now, but don't know how to change.

How these days were like

I am kind of depressed theses days, and every once in a while I would go into that cycle of procrastination. Mostly I don't know about the world and am confused about lots of things, and can't find for an answer for them.

Part 1 Some things that happened these days

1. I chose department of mathematics in July. It was mainly because I proved capable of math and get good grades at that time. I thought it was my passion and also the math department of USTC is also ok, compared to its other departments. Thus I chose math without furthur thinking.

2. In the summer holiday I tried to study advanced math, but didn't make any progress. I tried to read the textbooks and also watch YouTube videos but still couldn't get any of the knowledge. The reason was that I was too impatient and wanted to know these fast as possible, which obviously failed.

3. I competed a computer programming competition with two sucker teammates, and ended up being caught cheating for a rule I wasn't fully informed of and also that nobody had the intention to do so. I worked out no problem and found it too hard. As a result, many people hated me those few days.

4. In 9.29 I accidentally withdrew the application for a semester exchange in HKU because I wanted to resubmit the form. As a result, I threw away the chance of me exchanging in a program next spring.

Part 2 Why I am depressed now

To really answer the question is quite hard. I mean, on a sunny day, you won't easily get depressed if you just, say, went out a little late. You won't feel bad, obviously, but only for a few seconds. Depression build up from long periods of such things, and the exact reason for my depression right now is still quite unclear to me.

But I will still attempt to answer that question, since I wish to walk out of this mess quickly and get back to my normal study and life, since I cannot afford failing in exams. I will trace back to the time before this semester to answer the question.

Before this semester, almost everything was organized for me, and I didn't have much time of my own left to think about what I should do. Before college, school dominated more than 80% of my time, and I was too tired exhausted from just attending them. In my freshman year, the course was pretty hard and we had to complete specific required courses. Furthermore, my roommate was really annoying, resulting in me being sleep deprived daily. I could hardly even focus on my current academic studies, let alone thinking much about the future.

Before this semester, the only thing I was not bad at was, math. Everything is super competitive and I couldn't really score relatively high on about any exam. I remember one or two times I got a good grade on my physics or computer science exam, but that was few compared to all the times I didn't do well on those subjects. Getting to the average score was really a challenge for me. I wasn't bad at math all the time. Not being bad means that I can always get above the average score.

Thus getting to the math department seems the obvious choice for me to make, however, one must pay the price, considering the amounts of workloads and the rigorous coursework.

I am depressed because I hate school right now. Literally I don't want to go to school anymore, but that was kind of unthinkable. The class depress me, which I always can't get what the teacher is saying. I can't concentrate well these days, so the classes came and go, and didn't left much of anything in my memory. The homework depress me, which are usually kind of hard, considering that I didn't read the book myself and didn't listen in classes. I don't want to finish the homework. Gaming depress me. Gaming is a stupid thing I always tried to get rid of, starting from eighth-grade. I did succeed in ninth-grade, and didn't play video games for almost a year. Then I started high school, and with that came depression, and I started play again occasionally. Now I was playing video games again, and almost daily. I hate gaming so much and I don't want to be empty-minded, but the only thing that I can do when I am depressed is playing games, which depresses me even more. Scores depress me, I hate this competitive environment, where almost everything is about GPA, which is a complicated rating system that I can hardly get a hold on. I hate being scored and the rankings, they bring me huge pressure and keeps me anxious, not knowing what I truly liked but only trying to work for a exam.

But in conclusion, I wasn't under too high pressure right now. However, since I am depressed, the pressure increased because I don't want to work hard, and thus the pressure increased.

I was unsure which path I should go. People usually suggests pursuing your passion. I am not sure myself what I am passionate about. Math, perhaps, only because I always get good grades. Instead, I find myself more passionate on running and reading books, or Chinese poetry than math sometimes, and there was a voice on the back of my head telling me that they are useless, that I should go back to studying right now, or else I will fall behind, since that was what happened back in high school. I couldn't relax to pursue my real interest, because there was always this voice back of my head that warns me and tells me to go back to studying and cramming, because without that I might fall behind, and that if I fall behind I will be nobody. But why does everybody works hard? For pursuing knowledge? I do not know what is my own personal passion, or interest, or whatever. These hobbies obviously cannot be my job, or profession. Sometimes I want to study pure mathematics and just be done with all that, however, other times I would think about cs and high salary, and the major most people are interested in.

School doesn't really allow me to find my true interest. My interest may not be the subject that I am always good at, because the scores are subjective and how well you may do in a field or major has nothing to do with some high school stupid exams and rankings, which takes into account other factors like how well others are doing in that test. My interest should be something that I truly like to do, that I can keep doing through the years without giving up. I should be relatively good at this, but that doesn't really matter, I think, since if you are doing something for decades obviously you should be better than most people.

Up till now the thing that interests me the most at school is, well, number theory. My other interests may be music & instruments, running, reading English novels, Chinese poetry. traveling around the world. I haven't given any consideration on them being my profession since it was out of convention and quite strange. If I can consider any of these, the closest thing related to number theory is, well, a math professor, which my mother strongly disagrees with, or a job about cryptography, which I learned really few about.

Computer science is a subject that I haven't learned much of. I don't dislike this subject much, but still, coding wasn't fully my passion, and I am very bad at programming. I kind of enjoy designing and hacking, though. However, I only done a few of these things and have no idea whether I will actually like a job of doing that.

Thus I don't know what my true interest is. Everyday in the classes I thought about it, when I was doing my homework I thought about it, when I was walking around I thought about it. Sometimes I came up with an idea, but then the idea got rejected pretty quickly.

I hate the education system in China. One go through a lot more cramming work than actually learning valuable stuff. And in USTC, there are so many required courses that for a wanderer like me, I find completing the courses requiring quite a lot time, which doesn't allow myself enough time to think and wander alone, and resulting me to think and wander about these questions even in classes now. You still have your time, but you must devote more than half of your energy to schoolwork.

Sometimes I also wonder about why I should study hard and always try to get into top universities. I mean, life is long, and one can always achieve the same result if he keeps trying. People spend all their energy just to get in a school or a program, and that amount of energy is really wasted. Of course, I prefer prestigious schools to medium schools, but is always enrolling in the top notch necessary? Why can't one go at his own pace and rest if he needs to? Going into the best universities include a lot of useless competition, and I was aware of it all along. Why not settle for a better life as a medium student. Anyways, life shouldn't be all about studying hard.

I want to go to United States right now, because I really think the Chinese education system has limited my views about this world. I want to learn more about the world and different people, in order to learn about myself better. I want to relax and try some entertainment instead of being stuck doing problems everyday. I want studying to be fun and me studying for myself instead of being pushed all the time. I want minimum requirements, and much free time, because whether or not I study is my problem, not the school's. I decide if I want to study or not, and I can either study really really hard or just play. I want my life to be in my own hands, and I want to know which way I am going. I don't want to follow the crowd blindly and do whatever they are doing, because obviously that don't usually apply to me.

I am 17 now, and very young for a college sophomore student. However, speaking of experiences, I lack so many. Americans lost their virginity at about the age of 17, and I almost didn't talk to a girl about my age in the past year. It wasn't because I don't want to , but because of the strange culture here in China, and I am so timid and afraid to even interact with girls.

In all my life till now I would say the school was my primary thing. However, Americans do all sorts of other stuff like doing a part-time job, volunteering for their society and join summer camps. I can find no such experiences in China. It is quite dumb.

I mean, not that I really want these opportunities, but not having them just brings depression to me. I lack experiences and my life is actually quite boring, compared to what a normal teenager my age would do everyday.

The students around me, the boys, many of them look the same, with that glasses and stony face. I find it hard to communicate and make friends, and don't like to join in clubs. I don't like to cooperate with people because it is much freer to do things myself sometimes. Other times I just can't find something to do with others.

These days I had been making a lot of stupid mistakes. From a violation of the rules to withdrawing my application, I really don't know what state of mind I am in, I mean, I must seriously be out of my mind.

When I started thinking about the future I get very confused. I don't know what I want and I don't know about the world.

How these days were like 2

I already had a post about how these days were like 1, and now I am going to write a second post.

After the 7-day holiday at the start of October, I decided to give up on the differential equation course because it was just too hard, and I didn't understand the teacher's words. After that, I got motivated and started to get up early and study hard. I spent all day at school. However, these days I was again in a bad mood. So, I am going to write about these days.

Lockdown

My neighborhood started a lockdown last Sunday, and all these days, I cannot go out. Somebody set up a fence so that only the covid workers go in and out. Residents are strictly restricted to a place smaller than a playground.

It felt nasty living in such a small place, especially if there were dog poops everywhere. We had to test for covid every single day. My food includes buns I bought in a shop that is still open. Getting down 32 floors is tricky because many residents live in the buildings and want to get down too.

I felt lonely and bored. I played video games more than 5 hours a day for, like, seven days. I did almost no schoolwork. I procrastinated. I wasn't in a good mood because I couldn't go out, and was so bored.

Getting up early

Two or three weeks ago, I committed to getting up early, like, 6 am every day. At first, I had a little problem: I often overslept, but it was beautiful. I got up at 6 am, and my studying efficiency improved. I spent the whole day in school, in the study rooms, and had the work done.

However, one day I wasn't allowed on the school campus anymore. Covid cases arose, and the city started a lockdown. I slept late again and didn't know what to do. My daily routine was again broken.

I hope to get up at six again in the following weeks.

Applying for exchange programs

I hope to spend a semester or a year in America because

1. I am lost and aimless now. I don't know what to do and don't want to face the rigorous work. I wouldn't say I like school and don't want to cram for high scores anymore. I want to know my purpose and work right towards them instead of wasting my time and energy on something useless.

2. If I go into an exchange program, it may be easier for me to be admitted to a Ph.D. degree later.

3. The covid restrictions are so stupid. Human has no rights. I was restricted for no reason. I wouldn't say I like these policies much. I don't even fear the virus since I am young and healthy. I wouldn't say I like the policies.

I went through a seven-day quarantine and a seven-day lockdown for no reason. I must enter the health app of my school days to get inside the campus. I must be tested for covid daily. I wouldn't say I like it.

4. I can even improve my oral English a bit.

Applying

1. I applied to the HKU exchange program on my school exchange website vista.ustc.edu.cn.

However, I accidentally withdrew from my application because I wanted to re-submit some materials. It was an accident, and I was sad and angry at myself about it.

2. I applied to the UCI exchange program ASAP on my school exchange website. I submitted my files and contacted teachers to apply for the program. The date wasn't suitable--it was from 3.27 to early June, which meant months I won't have anything to do for two months after my final exam into early January. But I still applied and paid 200 dollars application fee.

3. I applied to the CB exchange program BGA (Berkeley Global Access). I didn't think there was much hope because UCB is a top public school, and my grades are just medium. However, I got admitted just two days after I applied. (they said on the website that it took 4-6 weeks to process) I am kind of delighted and wish to spend a year there.

My parents' attitude

My mother was like

Make sure you complete all courses in the junior year so that you get one year free.

After I got admitted to BGA

This is so good! Study there for a year. It will be a precious experience, and you can even finish in 5 years. Forget about completing the courses.

Feeling bored

I don't know what to do these days and wasted a lot of time.

Mid-term

postponed

Debating on majors

I still haven't decided to major, but I will probably study because it is more fun and not as hard. Cs earns money, and majoring in math doesn't help my cs skills.

These days I spend a lot of time deciding my major and what to do in my life. I was confused and lost during this process and wasted lots of time. Anyways, I will focus on my courses this semester.

Searching for ...

These days I am pretty confused, so I decided to go on a search for, well, my purposes.

But mainly, I think I will try to find answers to a few questions.

First, statements:

1. Chinese middle school and high school and entirely meaningless.

2. Chinese middle school and high school and high-pressured and competitive, causing problems like sleep deprivation, lack of physical exercise, social anxiety, dis-confidence in life, overworking, non-interest in aspects of life, misunderstandings of the world, etc., etc.

3. There are many chances to get what you want. Cramming for number 1 is hard, but trying to get your goal isn't. Instead, I believe that striving for these goals has more success than doing everyday work.

4. What do I truly want?

(Money, Marriage, and Family, To be a professor? To be a programmer? A happy life?)

2. What should I do to achieve them? Must I work hard and cram? Is the thing I am doing helping to achieve my goal, or am I going in the wrong direction?

3. Why should I work hard if I find the work uninteresting and meaningless? Why should I follow my classmates' example to achieve my own goal?

Some more thoughts

These days I have been wondering

1. Everybody must leave regrets in college. Perfection is a terrible thing for me. There must be some excellent courses for me that I haven't signed up for.
2. I am not bad at history, Chinese, physics, math, history, social science, geography, etc. I am bad at public speaking, chemistry, and biology. However, the Chinese education system made me loathe these subjects. Furthermore, I am equally interested in math or computer science subjects. Of course, I don't plan to major in those subjects.
3. I enjoy learning, and I like the process of studying and interacting. However, in the Chinese education system, learning becomes cramming for tests. Furthermore, Chinese is brutal to understand as a language. Thus if given free options, I would be happy to study everything. The fear of tests and the studying environment made me give up and lose interest in pursuing knowledge.
4. There are always limits in my life. I should not try to be free. I should stay disciplined.

Tell me what to do

There are many videos about somebody telling their younger self what to do, so

can I ask my 27-year-old self to tell me what to do? Thank you

Problems with Motivation

Currently, I feel weak. I don't feel motivated to do things that I should do.

1. I don't believe in the officials anymore. This is a country where different opinions aren't allowed. They cheat about everything.
2. I hate the firewall. I couldn't believe that I spent all those years not being able to gain access to Google. My father is just a noob in computer science. There are so many good resources outside the firewall. Baidu is bullshit, and I can't understand why so many people use it. Chinese videos are also bullshit. You can't find anything easily on these networks. Search and get countless ads and stupid information from elders. Youtube is much better because it improves my oral English, and I know much more about the world. You search for a race, an Olympic event, or a World Championship event, and it pops up on Youtube. However, in China, you have almost no way to watch. You have to go through countless ads and rubbish information.
3. The stupid covid restrictions and the crazy propaganda. I hate, well, the policies. But what I hate more is that people are saying that China is the best in all the media with no sense at all. They are senseless and say bad words about the US. US news didn't say that much about China? These articles are like idiots and full of trash, yet they are all over the Internet. Students get expelled for saying no to the restrictions. I hate these policies and the idea of not being able to speak out. Freedom matters more than anything else; if we are not free, we live in prison!
4. Basically, I hate the education here. Why must we study so many irrelevant courses when there aren't enough qualified teachers and a good grading system? As students, we must learn politics, PE lessons, English, and everything else. School sucks, and I do not want to be part of it. I do what I want to do. They try to control you and turn you into the prototype they want.
5. The students here are depressed. People are either having good grades or are seriously having a problem. People with good grades are anxious about their grades; some are cramming hard instead of learning. Student clubs freeze and turn cold. I feel lonely.
6. I am not sucking in some subjects because I scored poorly on the tests. The problem is with the school system, or Chinese is too hard to understand. Whatever, I may not be an early bird, but I might still be a late bloomer. I don't see myself as inferior to others in those studies. I am not a nerd but rather an active human being. I am good at my major studies and interested in many different things. I believe that I can do quite well in most of them. The problem is that I don't have much time and energy to study these things.

OK, finish complaining.

I don't know what I want to do right now.

LET'S SEE SOME MOTIVATIONAL VIDEOS

Some motivational videos from celebrities or successful people

Arnold Schwarzenegger, mayor of California, a famous actor, and the youngest Mr. Universe. He is very successful, tall, strong, and handsome for a man.

1. Have a vision
2. Say no to nay-sayers
3. Work your ass off

I don't know about American politics, and I don't know about Republicans. I haven't yet decided which party to support. But Trump's speech sounds straightforward and confident.

Eliud Kipchoge, the GOAT of the marathon. Two (maybe three) Olympic marathon gold, 2-hour breaker, breaking the marathon official record 2 times.

1. Have Vitamin N
2. Set the priorities right
3. Avoid complaining

A Friday Night

I remember when I was 9 or 10 years old, my life was kind of simple, and I didn't use to have all those strange thoughts. The only parties I went to were birthday and Christmas parties. I don't remember going to other parties. I was quite a social guy back in elementary school before I transferred. The foreign teachers left fond memories back then.

I am thinking about these times, picking up those shells from a later point in life when I am pretty unmotivated and depressed. During the search for purpose, I did not go much further but turned around again and again. I hate studying, and my life beyond studying is so boring. I am not motivated and must go through all the unnecessary things in my life. I don't quite feel controlled. Instead, I feel lost and not in a good position. I watched all those motivational videos and found that they found their purpose. Where is my purpose? What does it have to do with my current life? I feel insecure and bound to study, not finding enough energy to search for my purpose. Do I still like English literature? I remember those days when I read all day and carried a book with me wherever I went. I remember those days when I would think for a whole day about writing a good book review when reading was never dull and a necessary part of my life. I remember when I became a character in the story books, facing bullying, love, and family problems. When I became engaged in a book, I would give everything for it, sometimes staying up late to finish it. I used to think over those precious words and beautiful descriptions and put them in my writings. But is reading still my interest? As I went into higher grades, I read less and less. I wouldn't say I liked many things about the people and teachers around me; schoolwork troubled me, and reading wasn't my priority. There wasn't much of a reading community around me. Everything seems depressing--and more after the pandemic. I read myself and felt so lonely. I posted some on my blog but didn't post much more because I don't like people seeing my blog for some reason. I feel isolated. I disliked high school, especially high school, and couldn't bring myself to write and post about it anymore. In high school, my English scores were so bad, and I felt furious after the exams. I haven't been reading much for the past year. I don't feel like doing anything now. Even my words became simple, and my soul became empty. I lost the joy of exploring an unknown world as a kid, of wandering and finding things, of the beautiful and lively language that brings wings to imagination, of entering a character's mind and experiencing what it was like in another part of the world. I changed, and I could not bring myself back to that time. Things don't interest me much now. I don't do many things all day, and studying feels long and dull.

Sometimes I feel like running and being a much better runner than I currently do. Running is the only thing that interests me a lot, but I am so bad at this sport, probably just a middle amateur. I hope to run the 10k in less than 40 minutes, but the goal is very high, and I don't feel I could achieve it soon. Then I asked myself if I liked running, and the answer varied. Sometimes I believe that I just run for fun and to be healthy, like walking and visiting many places. It is not my main occupation. Other times when I think about my primary career, my mind becomes blank. When I thought about computer science and how to do this research, I became afraid to try. I don't know why I am better than others, and I don't know if I am suitable to do research of any sort. I guess it will be years of hard work before achieving anything, and I am just entering this field. I should wait for years, but I am not motivated to study hard now. I feel lost in dealing with everything in my life.

The lights were shining outside, and it was a beautiful night in Hefei. I am not fond of this city, its tiresome houses and dusty roads piled with tons of motorcycles, dirty pedestrians, and hurried cars. But I don't complain, since what the city is like is just a minor thing on my mind. If I am in high school right now, I will die, so since I am still living, I shouldn't say anything horrible about anything. I should adapt and live on. But is life just that? I was unsure about what life was about, and I firmly believed that what was happening around me wasn't telling me much about what the world was like. Right now, I don't have much courage and interest to explore--doing something on my own is too hard.

I wondered what I wanted to do in my life. I thought about this question quite seriously multiple times before. In middle school, I wanted to be an English writer. I found that words and languages were so exciting, and so were the stories they told. But the problem was that I was experiencing none of these stories at that time. I knew few beyond my middle school life, nothing of interest. I wanted to live a different life and get out of the cage at that time. There was a time when I hated middle school, but there was nothing I could do besides going to school ten hours a day.

Nobody lives a perfect life. People around the world are suffering.

Then I thought later (now) that these statements were wrong to some extent. I am not fond of the lives of poor Americans who were forced out of their homes. I don't think I will like going to community college or working with low wages. Americans work in universities, and that was also a thing that I was relieved of. Americans have their pains. Furthermore, in other countries like India and African countries, life was not enjoyable. I am happy and lucky to live in China and with my family. A child decides nothing, and he can't change his surroundings. If I had been born in rural China, East Africa, or the poor streets of Philadelphia, my life might be much worse. Then I also thought that if I was born a cow or chicken, destined to be served as food for humankind, that was even more meaningless. I think my parents are decent people, unlike some weirdos on TV or criminals, prostitutes, biased and foolish workers, whatever. I shouldn't complain about the things that I had but change and be better now that I am months away from being an adult.

Then again, I frequently ask myself, what do you think you want? I was confused about that question and had difficulty finding the answers. I thought back to my past and childhood years and couldn't find a solution either.

I have my reasons for thinking like that. When you have no goals, how can you become motivated? I had seen few people, and I feel afraid to talk to them now. What I saw and heard from my parents indicates that it is a complex world and that I have many factors to consider.

What is work, really? Is 'working' always so hard? I find studying very hard indeed. Is the meaning of life working hard for a specific goal? If I do that, won't I miss much other fun stuff? Should I do particular amounts of work only to ensure that I do not fall behind and explore the world? I don't know! Why should I ever work for a particular purpose if working is so hard? I should avoid work as much as possible and try to get the necessary things and live a comfortable life. I do not know why I am working so hard for. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know my purpose in living in this world.

Sometimes I find myself imagining dying. When you die, you lose your senses. So first, I closed my eyes and shut my ears. Then I thought it felt a lot like sleeping. I don't always feel much with my nose and mouth, so I don't believe smelling and tasting matter that much. If I lose the sense of smell and taste, my life won't differ too much. Then I began to imagine not being able to touch or feel anything, which scares me. It must feel sort of like falling if you can't feel the ground beneath your feet. Or will it be like flying? Even when I am sleeping, I kind of feel the bedsheets--or I won't wake up if somebody touches me or whatsoever.

Then what are we? We are mere memories and physical bodies. The only thing that is different between my classmate next to me and me is that we live in different bodies and we have different memories. We identify different parents and homes, which is part of our memories. Other than that, well, humans are equal. So if we have similar bodies, won't the only main difference be a memory?

I hate the firewall

There must be some serious problems with the Chinese policy. The fact that people can't get access to Google and Youtube, along with the fact that games and porn aren't allowed here in China makes me think that it is actually an underdeveloped country. People here say that China is going to be top in the world very soon. I don't quite agree with that opinion, and question whether, if ever, China is going to be the ideal place to live. Of course the gun restrictions and drugs are controlled well, but isn't it kind of like the place in the Giver, where no feelings are allowed?

1. Google vs Baidu

Basically there is no comparison needed. Baidu is a bullshit company with bullshit engines and webs. You can't find anything valuable on Baidu, and the corresponding sites are also stuffed with rubbish materials. What's more, the sites just make you feel uncomfortable looking at them, and all those stupid ads and stuff are occupying most of the page.

On the other hand, when you search for something you don't understand in a subject, Google has everything to offer. You can find valuable things like textbook pdfs, or the teacher's lectures easily.

I think it is highly important to go across the firewall, so that you can access valuable materials. Tidalab failed again today, and skyline VPN is just trash. I hate always using these, man.

I belive that Chinglish is the result of not watching Youtube. I cannot find many English videos in the wall, and when I was young, my parents didn't give me access to the interesting English websites, so that I hated English for a long time. It was all because my father is a noob in computer science. I wonder if I was exposed to Youtube when I was 5 years old, I probably won't have any problem with English these years.

I hate English exams, and I hate the being compared to other students. English is a way of communication, the rich language fun and interesting to learn. Why should we always compare the scores. My CET4 score is very low, and I hate to admit it, but CET4 is much harder than the TOEFL exam. Why don't everybody just focus on the enjoyment of English language instead of cramming for tests all day long. People are studying the wrong way, and sometimes that annoys me. But I shouldn't feel annoyed because it dowesn't affect me to any extent, so whatever.

2. Game restrictions

This policy is not respectable to human rights.

I can choose not to play, or play. It is a choice of my own. Nobody can prevent me from playing video games. I can play 24 hours a day, or I can study 24 hours a day. I understand that gaming is harmful to me, so I won't play myself. Why do I need you to stop me? I am responsible for my own eyesight and studies, and why do you need to care about all those things? If you must control these, why not control everything, and make my life easier and happier?

When teenagers can't play video games in China, you know there is a problem going on here. People don't know what they want to do, only listening to the authority, doing what they are forced to do, and spending the rest of the time just doing nothing. It is not a good thing obviously, and now as a college sophomore I know not where my future goals lie. I know not what to do with my life when I am bored.

I believe that every human has the right to game. It is merely a choice of the individual.Not having the right to game is like, well, not having the right to eat some food. You are just shutting down the whole thing, and that's not very nice.

What's more, actually in my right mind I belive in not gaming. I don't think gaming is a good thing for me personally, but it just, well, shouldn't be restricted. We should respect the difference of human beings, and follow the rules not to distract other people and give others freedom, so that in return we can enjoy the freedom of our own.

3. Awareness of Rules

Another thing is that even under restrictions, children today still game. They learn to violate the rules and they find it quite common. Cheating is a huge problem here in China. It is not because the rules are not strict, it is because a lack of respect to the rules. People are not taking things seriously because the authority is being so casual and rash about the rules. I can't blame it though.

Thus as a Chinese I always violate the rules. Why? Becasue if I don't do these, then others can easily get ahead of me. As a struggling student, I sometimes find it comfortable to just go the quick way instead of following everything. However, it is not always right to choose the easy ones in life. I believe that the policy, giving people no freedom, force them to disobey the rules.

People here have no awareness of what they shouldn't do. If one or two people disobey the rules and always didn't get caught, then everybody else will soon not follow as well.

4. How I find it hard to make friends

When I try to make friends and talk to people here, it is really hard. I couldn't bring much topic to talk about. Mainly it was just studies and exams and whatever. I find myself strange and queer. The student clubs are mostly dead, and the USTC English Club is more Chinglish then English. I don't know why there is such club, whose members don't enjoy English much. When it comes to those topics I couldn't agree with most other people, and the conversation couldn't go on. I feel lonely.

My opinions about USTC

This is a highly controversial topic.

Disclaimer: I don't hold responsibility for writing these things here. These are personal issues. Whatever I say about this school, my overall impression is good. It rescued me from hell, and I could start graduate school at 20. I am more than grateful for everybody, teachers, and the school education system here.

1. Closed environment

I am a sophomore at USTC, and I still don't know what it's like to study at a university elsewhere. I do not know the difference between universities. People only talk about studies, and mostly science & tech. I don't know what social science & humanities feel like. I do not know how to interact with girls. There are no student-athletes here. It is a very closed environment.

2. Too many courses, not very beneficial

One needs to take many classes to graduate. These courses aren't exciting; some include PE, politics, and English. Students take too many tech courses, and they are not taught in-depth. Instead, everybody takes them to fulfill the standards. I am here as if to graduate, not to settle and study. Some classes focus too much on computation, not on big ideas. Computer science courses are out of date.

There are many mandatory classes, but they are just too hard. (such as Math Analysis, Electromagnetism, and Physics Experiments). I spent so much time on these courses, but I don't think they will benefit my future.

3. Not enough extracurricular activities and not a big community for everybody

Before I came to USTC, I didn't have many hobbies. After I came to USTC, I had no hobbies. USTC is not a community for everybody.

I used to enjoy reading English literature, but after I came to USTC, I found it very hard to join an English community. There are no English bookstores, nor is there literature in the library. The 'English' club here is just a Chinglish club.

There are not enough activities that encourage everybody to participate in, especially during the pandemic. Activities are boring. I can't engage in something beyond studying. People play video games a lot here. However, I believe that it is terrible for me.

4. Hard to communicate, feeling isolated

I have few friends and no companies. It is tough to communicate with some students---they don't understand me. I can't successfully express myself correctly. I don't have many friends. Many people don't talk much, and I can't get a healthy social network here.

In my freshman year, I stayed in the dorm, which was a total disaster. I suffered excellent sleep deprivation and couldn't talk to my roommates. They are insulting but rather numb. One of my roommates was like a boy, doing whatever he wanted. After some time, we didn't talk at all, and I suffered from sleep deprivation caused by them every single day. I was woken up early in the morning and forced to sleep late at night.

Beyond my roommate, I still did not find many friends. People are so close, and they are not eager to communicate with each other. Sometimes I reach out, but I just feel even more isolated.

5. Not knowing where the future lies

What am I going to do in the future? Go to study Ph. D.? Where am I heading? What is the purpose of my life? What interests me? What is the meaning of all these?

Harvard Justice Course

Great online course. I can't stop watching it!!! It is a course about society and humanity, but I find it as interesting as any other course.

This is a course about philosophy and law, basically what to do. I find it exciting and fruitful, explaining many things I had previously been confused about.

I found that some of my previous explanations had been so wrong and illogical.

Freedom

I, as a person, hold a certain extent of self-possession and ownership. Although I agree to the government's contract, I still have certain rights that I own. By no means am I obligated to do things in others' favor or be used as means to please others.

Sleep

Sleeping is a right that I possess, and cutting hours off sleep hugely affects my overall health and happiness. I should feel free to sleep anytime without noise or disruption that prevents me from sleeping. I have the right to rest as much as I need every day, so long as I complete the basic required activities in the proper time. Any actions interrupting or disrupting my sleep are wrong and disgraceful. On the other hand, I should not feel to disrupt other people when they are sleeping, regardless of what time they choose to sleep, as long as they do so in the proper place.

Work

I am not obliged to devote everything to working only to achieve a better result -- I have my well-being to consider. I have the right not to work once I meet the basic requirements. I have the right to play and do what I want. On the other hand, I have the right to work, and you can't force me to play video games for 2 hours a day. Beyond the basic requirements, working is equivalent to any hobby or interest, and I should not be coerced to overwork myself.

Discrimination

I do not hold any discrimination regarding gender, race, ethnicity, or religious belief. People are created equal, and we earn respect only be doing such to others. LGBT+ society is part of our society. Black people are the same as everybody else. I should feel free to hold any religious belief, as long as it doesn't affect the well-being of others around me, without feeling any sense of shame or disgrace upon myself.

Rules and regulations

Rules are rules and should be obeyed in all circumstances unless there is an emergency. However, there aren't many rules specific to what I do daily. As something isn't harmful to others, it shouldn't be forbidden. Gays and lesbians should be allowed and regarded as usual. Gaming 16 hours a day should be permitted. Having sex freely is ok as long as there is consent from both parties.

Activities

I have the right not to engage in any activities, and nobody can force them against my will. I can choose to play a football game, or I can choose to run a marathon. I, under no circumstances, should feel coerced to participate in certain activities apart from the necessary and required ones.

Talking

I have the right to refuse to discuss an uninteresting or dangerous topic. I have the right not to express my opinion and stand aside, given that I am not directly involved in the situation. I can speak freely of my own will and should not be coerced to talk for somebody else's benefit.

Memories

I felt like life slipped away without many things happening since 2019, and that was the time of my eighth and ninth-grade life.

I had a pretty fun spring semester in eighth grade. I went on a lot of trips. I went to Discovery Bay and Dushu Lake in the winter holiday, Nanjing and Chongming Island in the 5-1 holiday, and Xi'an and Gansu in late June. During the semester, I went on long walks in Shanghai, including going to Lingkong Road (Near the terminal station of Line 2), SHendu Road (line 8), and Caolu (line 9). I visited and traveled all across Shanghai, going to lots of places around my childhood home in Century Park. In the summer, I played soccer (although with a couple of young kids). I went to two physics cram courses in Xueersi since I was having difficulties at that time. I would walk to the physics course on Friday night after school ends at 3 pm, picking up food at random stalls on the way. I did a lot of things and had great fun. I did screw up the exams in school a bit, as usual, messing up the Chinese and English exams. It was the last semester before college that I had a foreign teacher. Although the campus was small, it was new and clean.

I don't remember many things about the first semester of ninth grade besides that it was not really cool. I was forced to go along with the class to repeatedly do easy tests. My time was wasted on repetitively practicing without learning any new knowledge. I remember that I was feeling depressed, and I was like, "I don't want to study anymore." I went on outings about every week, and I faced enormous pressure, or at least I thought I did. I went along the riverside promenade and thought, how much longer do I need to go through before I can be free of all the burden imposed on me? I went home all grouchy at 7 pm.

Sometimes I was actually grateful for the pandemic. After days of gloomy rain and pollution, the sky cleared up, and it was all bright sunny days. However, I didn't particularly enjoy those days of freedom. Instead, I read Auggie & Me, and the character Charlotte still had a strong impression on me even today. I read Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry. I watched Mean Girls, Easy A, and Phantom of the Opera. I thought about that high school life and thought how different it was from my life. I did not have access to the VPN at that time. If I did, my life would then be so much more enjoyable. Although Shanghai was under lockdown, I didn't spend one day at home. Every day I walked along the streets. If you draw a circle of a 5 km radius whose center point is my home, there wasn't a place unfamiliar to me. Actually, I grew quite fond of walking around, and I spent pretty much most of the time in my life doing that. I went on quite a lot of trips around my home and in the Jiading district in Shanghai. I went along the newly built riverside trail, and there were many people. I spent other time running, and my speed increased rapidly. I lost weight and tried to be the person I wanted to be. I faced paruresis, and during the pandemic, the school would end at 3 pm, which actually helped a lot.

I distinctly remember that summer before high school. I was asked to go to high school immediately after the middle school finals ended. My middle school teacher used to say, "you can play after the finals, however much you want." It was not valid. I was coerced into doing the things I hated, and that was the case back then. Then it was endless rain. I faced constipation, and I only ate vegetables, but it didn't help much. I played accordion a lot and walked around. I ran sometimes. I read a couple of books, including In the Unlikely Event. I got second prize in a math competition and took a math class. I also studied a bit of chemistry, biology, and physics. But that was it.

Can I say one thing nice about my high school? No. I wish it never happened. I wished it was a nightmare, and I felt shivers whenever I remembered that period. I felt helpless and weak, man, as I never did before. I was pushed, coerced against my will, and treated worse than a dog. I was falling into a dark pit and couldn't get up, no matter how hard I struggled. To this day, I still hate my high school and don't think that one day I will forget about those unhappy memories I had felt. I am still trying to put together the missing pieces and overcome the discouragement it gave me during those few months. I was deprived of essential freedom and individual rights, the fundamental rights of humans. In high school, in that toxic environment, people were throwing away the beauties of life, and it haunts me long after.

At first, I was pretty excited about high school. There were many girls, and I just thought that high school could be something ordinary, the one I thought about. I was sleep-deprived the first few days living in a dorm, and being forced to get up at 6:20 am, I felt very sleepy during the daytime. In the first exam, I got a bad score, the 4th lowest in class. I did not get good scores in the math and physics classes. On the first weekend, I had a TOEFL test and did not get a good score. On the second weekend, I had a high school math competition, and I was the only freshman who didn't get a prize. That was the lowest point of my life, but I did not care much back then. I shouldn't care much, but my parents, teachers, and peers all imposed on me a tremendous amount of pressure on me. My life was out of order--high school was completely frustrating. I was deprived of every last bit of freedom I should have the right to access. My father imposed pressure on me, claiming that "he did well in high school, and I should as well." I overworked myself but saw no results. I was forced to do stupid exams and study subjects of no interest to me. It was not because I didn't understand the classes. It was because the exam was designed to differentiate students. I was terrible at cramming and failed.

I got the lowest score ever in high school. I was discouraged and not confident. I played football in the first few months but was hit twice in the head, so I quit football altogether. I played piano and accordion, but that was too much distraction from cramming, so I also quit them. I liked running, but it affected my sleeping quality since school ends at 9:15, so I didn't run so much. I tried dancing, but it turned out so embarrassing. High school sucks every last bit of my soul out of me. I was struggling so desperately, suffering from sleep deprivation(only able to sleep from 11:00 to 6:20, about 7 hours, since my roommates were noisy before 11:00). I hated the Chinese teacher, an ugly and old short woman who had her prejudices on students, and I looked down on her. I hated the English exam, where my English was proficient and outstanding, but the exam results didn't show. The students and teachers judge me based on my exam scores. I hated Chemistry when I studied so hard but kept on failing. I did honestly try an effort into the subject, which made me so angry and disoriented, doubting my ability to learn normally and reason well. The list goes on. The bad memories never end.

Looking back, I think that ninth grade and freshman year of university had a lot of things in common. I believe that I deserve credit for the hard work that I paid during those times. I really did work so hard, and I don't believe that I could have gotten better. But actually, I hadn't done much in those days. I remember in ninth grade, the thing I spent most of my time on was math competitions, but it didn't really help me much in high school. I spent most of my time on math in freshman year, but it still didn't help much. Both times I complied with the school and tried hard to do the work that I was supposed to. Both times I looked forward to what was coming up next and received an immense amount of disappointment. I believe that the ideal way to live a life is sort of like an eighth grade that work and play combination, which I had the urge to push forward, at the same time not feeling too worn out and still having free time to have fun. I don't think that pushing too hard is an ideal thing for me.

I just didn't want things to go wrong after all that I had experienced through middle school. Some things can't be changed, however. My freshman year didn't start off well, but I tried every last bit of effort to get the best out of it.

I had a brilliant summer before university, previewing the textbooks, along with some fun activities and stuff. I didn't waste time playing video games and read some English books, and prepared for the TOEFL reading.

However, the university was a disappointment for me. Some things, well, they don't change. I suffered from sleep deprivation again. My roommate played video games all night and set tons of alarms at as early as 6 am, not turning them off as he snoozed on. I was forced out of bed at 6:00 am. At one point, I just felt unbearable. I tried reasoning, but he wouldn't listen. Gradually I don't speak to my roommates, and they don't talk much to each other either, immersing in their own worlds, playing games, or watching Japanese cartoons. People say that I do not blend in because I am Shanghainese. I don't think it is true. I believe that people from rural China do need something to improve. When you have a fundamental problem like a sleeping issue, and the other parties just refuse to even negotiate, when they are seriously affecting my schedule and well-being, I don't know what to expect. I hope that he understands that the world isn't his home and that he should really respect others and stop being a child in kindergarten. I moved out in my sophomore year. I didn't want to move out of the school campus, but I guess that I just needed the eight-hour sleep desperately. I got sleep deprived for one whole year, and the whole time just wanted to go home so badly so that I could feel better than being in the dorm room. It wasn't a choice of if I should stay in the form or not. It was a choice of when to move out. Sometimes I got so angry that I just wanted to jump at him or splash boiled water on his head at one point.

When I first came here, there was this stupid and boring military training that is a mandate for everybody. I hated military training, and I was sleep deprived. The officer wasn't too happy with me, for I didn't do very well in standing. I was there thinking that I hate these stupid activities, and walking and saluting and f***ing around like that isn't going to make you smarter. As a result, I was disqualified to participate in the final congregation. I sneaked off the last few days and went around the school campus, eating watermelon while watching others train. What is strange is that everybody else just seems content, and nobody else even thought about the idea of sneaking off like me.

In the first semester, besides my roommate, everything else went on pretty smoothly besides the PE class. Taichi was a mandate for students, and I hated that idea strongly. Moving and f**ing around like that won't you smarter, nor is it beautiful or athletic. Taichi seems like some old man in their eighties f**ing around, not able to move fast like the young people. The teacher, a five-feet-two man with glasses, doesn't look very athletic doing the taichi, either. In the final, I got full grades on both the 7 min running and the pull-ups. However, the teacher criticized my taichi, saying that I didn't prepare well, while I practiced for 1 hour everyday for week before that test. The teacher provoked me and brought back feelings of anger and frustration dating back to high school. I felt disrespected for my hard work around the final of the semester when I had already had so much to deal with. In the anonymous feedback survey at the end of the semester, I said strong words and cursed the teacher. In the second semester, the teacher called me one day and talked to me about this problem after they found out that it was me who wrote this. I wrote an apologetic letter to the PE teacher and was suspended from scholarships for a whole year.

In my first semester, there were introductory computer science courses, and it was taught poorly. The teacher brought so many irrelevant materials into the class, making it boring. The homework is not valuable. I didn't like the course, and I thought of not going to the cs major at this university.

In the summer, I decided to major in math since I hated the two classes I took here in cs major. However, I instantly regret, it since the math courses are not useful and applicable.

Back to this September. I participated in the Chinese Collegiate Programming Competition. One of my teammates. One teammate is a very sensitive girl, and another is a boy who arrived late and smelled terrible (he sat next to me the whole time). They are very annoying, both of them. The boy is irresponsible, and he didn't even bring a computer to code, claiming he can offer valuable suggestions while actually doing nothing. I told him to use the computer in the lab to write code, but he sat around, sleepy all the time. All problems were in English but rather in Chinglish style, hard to comprehend. The girl constantly complained she couldn't read English. Since I had taken the GRE exam, I knew that I could use words to translate. I wasn't told that using Word to translate isn't allowed, and the rules didn't prohibit it. I taught her how to translate. She did it hesitantly, and suddenly, without any precautions, she was told that it was an act of cheating and that the team was disqualified.

After the thing happened, somehow, CCPC made an announcement that every team of USTC was disqualified for the next two years since one team was caught cheating. It later exploded as a public event, leading to many people in USTC publicly harassing me, most of whom I didn't know and had never encountered once in my life. None of those who I knew and had talked to before said such things. In October, the announcement was deleted due to public pressure.

From a personal perspective, my parents came to Hefei for two days to help me deal with the pressure from my schoolmates. I didn't think that what I did was against the rules, Furthermore, the rules were unclear and that one team shouldn't affect the qualification of a whole school. The teachers didn't say much to me, only asking for one talk with me. I was discouraged from coding for a while. What angers me is that I did nothing wrong in the whole part, and I was blamed for everything later.

On October 21st, my apartment building was locked due to covid. I was limited to a small amount of area in the neighborhood, where there were many dogs and poops on the ground. I was so bored and frustrated and wanted to find somewhere else to start a new life. I applied for UC Berkeley's exchange program and got admitted, despite having imperfect scores and inadequate preparations.

There are protests going on in Shanghai. What interests me isn't the protests themselves but how the information is secure. I don't think it is legit in the first place for a lockdown. I couldn't publicly express my opinion and didn't want to be involved in this mess. However, I believe the utilitarian view is completely wrong, and we have an undeniable right. If this right is constantly violated by the government or the police, then the police are not legit. I don't want to go on here.

I should complete the three courses this semester because I chose them it the first place. With choice comes responsibility, and that makes it enough for me to finish these courses properly. I am failing one course, but I can drop it later.

In seventh grade, I became dedicated to playing plants vs. zombies 2. I played every day for 3 or 4 hours, and it occupied my time doing homework. My body was growing, but I didn't find enough courage to talk to my parents about such stuff. In eighth grade, I decided to quit gaming and porn, and it was quite a successful attempt. I went out walking instead of playing video games. In the rest of eighth grade, I occasionally played, about once in 2 weeks. In ninth grade, I almost quit it altogether. Then in high school, I played a video game called "generals.io." My friends played it, and I was depressed at that time, so I played it as well. I didn't get too addicted, but I still played the game occasionally from ninth grade all the way until this summer. I would play around two days a week. This semester, I got screwed up, and in the months starting from September, I totally lost control of gaming. I discovered the game "zombsroyale" one day at noon and kept on playing. I am playing this game for 6,7 hours every day right now. I was depressed and couldn't;t understand society and other people. My eyesight is going down right now. I feel lonely and sometimes helpless. Other times I just feel exhausted from everything that has been going on. I lost my sense of direction altogether. I don't, and can't understand, the society and people around me, nor do they understand my true feelings. I write this article to recap my memories of the last few years in order to better paint the picture of who I am and think deeply about what to do next. I felt like nothing interesting had happened in the last few years, and I am now both afraid and eager for the active social networks people have. If anything, I hope that I get out of this mess rather quickly and keep on trying hard and having fun at the same time, just like I used to before. I hope to be guaranteed some freedom and hope to get rid of the negative thoughts that had built up over the past few years, which were detrimental to my well-being as a whole.

My Hobbies (previous page)

My hobbies include running, reading and traveling. I used to love reading English novels, Song Dynasty poetry, and accordion, but not so much now.

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I enjoyed English literature. Some of the books I’ve read include Harry Potter (J K Rowling), Twilight (Stephanie Meyer), Percy Jackson (Rick Riordan), The Hobbit & LOTR (J R R Tolkien), The Fault in Our Stars, Looking for Alaska (John Green), The Tiger Rising (Kate DiCamillo), Murder on the Orient Express (Agatha Christie), To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Lee), The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini), The Joy Luck Club (Amy Tan), Robinson Crusoe (Daniel Defoe), A Christmas Carol (Charles Dickens), Adventures of Tom Sawyer (Mark Twain), In the Unlikely Event (Judy Blume), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The BFG, Matilda, The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar, Danny the Champion of the World, Going Solo (Roald Dahl), Wonder, Auggie & Me (R J Palacio), Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry (Mildred D Taylor), Number the Stars (Lois Lowry) , Holes (Louis Sachar), A Corner of the Universe, Rain Reign, The Baby-Sitters Club (Ann M Martin), The Catcher in the Rye (J D Salinger), Divergent (Veronica Roth), The Hunger Games (Suzanne Collins), Magic Tree House series (Mary Pope Osborne), Junie B Jones series (Barbara Park), A to Z Mysteries (Ron Roy), Nancy Drew series (Carolyn Keene), The Chronicles of Narnia (C S Lewis)

Stages of studying

1. Qualification based

I study to qualify for what is coming next.
Example: high school
Cons: It is not something to hold on to my whole life. I should have a purpose sometime.

2. Knowledge/Practical based

I expand my knowledge about the relevant fields I may work on later. I do not focus on exams and cramming.

Example: good students of USTC

Cons: I may be doing unnecessary work. Studying is rigorous and tedious, and I won't feel a sense of achievement. I do not get a good grade.

3. Achievement based

I learn to have good grades and certificates. I study to show off.

Example: other students at USTC

Cons: After a while, I do not learn anything. I am not working toward the right purpose and have no interest in learning.

4. Interest based

I learn what I like learning. If the course in my school does not satisfy my interest, I learn by myself. I learn humanities and social science as well as my major.

Cons: I am not motivated and give up easily. What I learned is irrelevant to my major, and I do not fulfill the requirements.

5. Enjoyment based

I don't want to be forced to learn. I want to enjoy life and avoid trouble. I can spend time on hobbies and going out with friends.

6. Nonchalant

I hate this life.

When things began going strange~

Routine vs Flexibility

Is it better to stick to a specific routine, e.g. , going to bed and getting up at a specific time every day, or is it better to leave some flexibility into the choice? Staying on a routine saves so much time, but might not be best sometimes.

Addiction vs Prevention

Sometimes I just became addicted to something bad. I need much prevention. However, it became really hard when it comes to forcing against my will at certain times.

Regrets vs Comfort zone

We always leave regrets in life. But is it a good idea to try everything new so that we leave the "minimum regret"? Or should we go along with the norm and stay in our comfort zone? Don't get me wrong, staying in your comfort zone doesn't mean not working hard--it just means doing everything like before.

Theory vs Reality

While "in theory," some things might be true, in real life, they may fail at a high percentage. Sometimes not getting up on time or feeling frustrated doing something might destroy a well-constructed plan.

Everything is on your hand, but do they work out? No! With little changes here and there, everything will fall apart, and you will not get what you actually want.

Randomness

Many things in life have a randomness attributed to it. For example, the TA I encounter in university, the food I try on a specific day. I can never hope to escape this randomness. While some may seem trivial, other things that are randomly decided may affect my life

Achievement vs Wasting time

Is something we achieved in life valuable? Is it worth showing off? Or is it only a waste of time after all?

20230106 Small and Big Goals of 2023

2023 is finally here, and I really hope to achieve something this year.

2022 was hard for me. In the first half, I struggled with my coursework. In the second half, I felt lost and disoriented.

There weren't many things remarkable about the year 2022. Most of the time, there were these stupid covid restrictions and zero covid policy in China.

When it was all coming back to me, I felt somewhat devastated over the experience, and think I could improve so much better. However, I did gain a few skills and came to think about the world and myself differently.

Recap of 2022

• First semester Final

In the first half of January I completed the final exam. It was tough and I did all I could.

• TOEFL exam

See, this year started with cramming, and I crammed for the TOEFL all my winter holiday. I did all I could with what was left of me.

• Second Sem

Feeling as depressed as the first semester. Sadly, I didn't learn anything. I didn't attend some lectures and didn't learn much. I only crammed for a couple of courses.

• Covid restrictions

Lockdown March and April. Had to stay on campus. Life really boring and tough. Hate school and think it a waste of time. Rather study on my own and drop out of USTC. Didn't even go out to play.

• Second semester final

Again, did all I could.

• Summer

Didn't have goals. Overconfident and wandering aimlessly around some topics. Wasted pretty much all summer on useless stuff. It was really hot, like, over 100 F all day long.

• Renting

Rented housing on Taihu Road, starting from 7/21/2022, on the 32nd floor. It only took me half a day to move in. Hard to get down the elevator. Find it really hard to enter campus during the pandemic, so I stayed at home for many days procrastinating.

• Course Enrollment

Had no idea and overconfident. Turns out a disaster and dropping many courses.

• Class

I attended about 30% classes and didn't really enjoy them. Started hating everything. Procrastinating on the assignments and stopped learning.

• YouTube

Find YouTube very interesting and would spend hours watching YouTube. Also would spend hours playing zombs royale.

• Feeling lost

OMG who am I What am I doing Why am I in this world I am just an idiot and what should I do

• Applying for UC Berkeley

Congrats! Got in the extension program in 2023.

• Running

Bought Nike's Pegasus 39 and started running 3-5km sometimes. Sadly in December my feet started hurting like hell and I couldn't run.

• Semester ends on 12/14/2022

Quite abrupt finding there no exams.

• Going home and getting Covid

Covid still bothering me this second when I am trying to make an outline of the previous year. Getting home and start procrastinating even more.

• Going to California

Looking out for rent again. Gloomy rain and short daytime. Me still having symptoms of covid and not feeling good enough to go out and hike.

Goals of 2023

• Completion of CS courses

• Try not to be a noob

Anyways :D

Other things to do (optional)

• Be consistent

Have an idea of what is important and what you should focus on doing right now instead of wandering aimlessly because that's not gonna work.

• Be confident

Forget about high school and middle school and the freshman year. Be confident and be yourself. Stop caring about grades and whatsoever. Yes, they do matter in the application, but why care about something I cannot control?

• Be sociable

Dude make friends.

• Daily routine

Maintain a good daily schedule and get up & sleep on time.

• Play sports

Exercise regularly to keep yourself healthy. Run 5k.

20230112

Look, since I had no social life and all my life depended on luck and nothing else, and I am a total dumbass, and many other things are dumbass, I am no longer thinking about morals. I'm kinda depressed, to be honest, and due to that, I really need a social life, and I need to be free, etc. Some things are just, well, strange. Perhaps someday, when I turn 80 and I look back, and I was like, oh, he is so lazy, and he doesn't deserve this. Primarily I was thinking about, like, my education and stuff. But other than that, I guess that I am just depressed, and that sounds stranger than ever.

I have, like, entirely no control over myself. I couldn't bring myself to study even a little bit. I have a serious mental problem, but this sounds very strange.

Every day I want to work 8 hours (including class time), and I am not working longer. I am stupid and I deserve to get expelled, but I think it still works, um, anyway, um, best for me, anyway. Then the rest of the time I choose to do whatever I want and be myself and be social, ok?

What's happening these days

the truth

Do ya want to know? No you don't No its not happening

20230112

Look, since I had no social life and all my life depended on luck and nothing else, and I am a total dumbass, and many other things are dumbass, I am no longer thinking about morals. I'm kinda depressed, to be honest, and due to that, I really need a social life, and I need to be free, etc. Some things are just, well, strange. Perhaps someday, when I turn 80 and I look back, and I was like, oh, he is so lazy, and he doesn't deserve this. Primarily I was thinking about, like, my education and stuff. But other than that, I guess that I am just depressed, and that sounds stranger than ever.

I have, like, entirely no control over myself. I couldn't bring myself to study even a little bit. I have a serious mental problem, but this sounds very strange.

Every day I want to work 8 hours (including class time), and I am not working longer. I am stupid and I deserve to get expelled, but I think it still works, um, anyway, um, best for me, anyway. Then the rest of the time I choose to do whatever I want and be myself and be social, ok?

What's happening these days

the truth

Do ya want to know? No you don't No its not happening

?

Prioritize studying, prioritize studying, prioritize studying, that's all about the environment I've been in the last few years. So much that I find myself lost completely, finding I have no preferences, and so bored and frustrated.

Then again, why care about that? If you don't prioritize studying, you would not have a happy life in the first place, and that you would start failing and not be good anymore. It is competitive and only the best gets to go on, and that may not be you! You get an opportunity, so make full use of it, and get the thing you need!

But there are clubs, there are activities. There is every reason to be an active part of them so that you get to know people and have fun. I mean, I have been waiting for this an awfully long time and didn't even get a chance of socializing like, ever before. I have been assigned to a specific class, and now that I am here, just start reaching out. Some things don't matter that much when I am socializing. My life will be much more colorful, and I get to know myself and other people better and feel a sense of existence in this school.

But the past is in the past, and won't ever return. You will not be in high school forever in your life, and you have places like this to go to in the future. Right now you are doing really poorly in your classes and that matters. If you start doing something else and start procrastinating, you will not be better and just leave regrets. It is different for a Berkeley student and you because you don't get to stay here very long, Be good in the classes as of right now and don't care about other things because you suck in computer science. You suck in the major and want to go to graduate school and do what you should.

Then why enroll in this school in the first place? Learning is not interactive, and I fell asleep during the lectures. Why don't you just learn yourself and learn online? Learning is not fun and life is boring, and I want to get interactive and social. Besides, I am 17 years old, and people my age typically are high school seniors. I am already ahead of the game, believe it or not. I want to get into these clubs and I want to be a part of everything. Whether or not I have messed up with my 17 years of life I don't care, right now I am here I want to participate. I want to know what it feels like to be a part of a community, instead of doing everything myself. I want to get to know people better and I want people to know me better. I want to get involved in things and not be a loner.

You are in this very special situation which is called concurrent enrollment. Unfortunately, you haven't been blessed with the gifts of mastering socializing and studying at the same time, unlike some other very talented students. But actually long as you spend an effort into doing things, it won't go wrong. You should be thinking about your future and improving your skills, now that you totally suck. You should not be thinking about your social life too much because you need to prioritize studying in order to not fail in your classes. You are not blessed with gifts, unlike some other people. But long as you keep trying, you always find a way out of things. I believe that in this situation, it is important to know what you want, and without understanding that you get nothing. Focusing on academics is the thing you should do, and is the thing you should spend every second of your life doing. I know how special you are, but you must admit that you are special. You have not been in a normal environment since middle school, and special as you are, you should keep doing the right thing, instead of trying to get back to a normal life. It is challenging enough and good enough to accomplish that.

I think that I can get to choose what I want, and since I am 17 years old, I have lots of time, possibly a gap year, and still be younger than many people. Don't drive too fast, enjoy the views. While learning is something you should do, also consider many other activities. You can explore the things you truly want and devote 50% of your time to studying. Besides, many times studying isn't that important. For example, I wasted all of your middle school and high school doing nothing. Why not slow down a bit? I mean, choose more breadth requirements. I think it is important for me to get to know more about the world when I am growing up, I mean, it is quite essential. Besides, doing these won't really cost a lot of time, and these make you passionate about learning. My parents don't know me, and literally, nobody knows me, even myself. It may be a complete waste of time studying something, and not that I mean not to study, but just try to get a bit of fun out of it, because I have the time for it. I don't want to be stressed out, because that is not the norm. Some rules don't apply to this situation, and I believe that everybody's life includes interaction. Why not do it yourself? What do you fear? Don't take studying so seriously, no one takes a shit out of it. I can't afford to study too much to sacrifice everything. When there are other options, your original choice doesn't matter. Just go have fun with your classmates,

Principles of socializing by Me

1. Socializing is essential

As humans, we live in a society, and socializing is, to us, in the long term, as important as food and drinks. Having a few friends and getting involved in social activities is vital for our well-being, and it is joyful and enjoyable to meet new people. However, socializing is something that people would ignore in the short term, for example, preparing for an exam coming three days later. Life is, however, made up of not short terms of cramming. Thus it is important to socialize and live a normal life.

2. There are obstacles

Understanding each other is hard, and you may encounter some obstacles and even moments when you do not enjoy it. Embarrassment is common. There are obstacles throughout the process of meeting new people.

3. Don't put too much effort into socializing

It is important to remember that you must make yourself happy and comfortable. You have the right to speak out and quit. When your time conflicts, prioritize your main goals. We are trying to make friends, but we are also, in a sense, ourselves. Always remember and set the priorities right. There can be times when you try to go along with others but stick to your own principles.

4. Try not to push when socializing

You may want to know about and talk to somebody, but he/she may not feel comfortable. It is happy when both sides find having a conversation comfortable and enjoyable. Do not be self-centered when making new friends.

5. Don't feel down

What can happen, anyway? Others may not like you, or they are just being mean, or you did something bad, but essentially everything about your life is well. Your world is not ending if you get rejected by some people or just aren't welcomed. Go back to studying and call it a day. Another day came, and everything would be fine.

6. Don't set unrealistic expectations

Or else you will be disappointed, period. Just do what you can.

Fine, I am a natural person. I don't have to be with other people in the first place anyway. If some things don't exist, why force them? Enjoy yourself in serene nature.

People here think they are sht. It is so hard to join something and be interactive without devoting much time. I am growing tired of trying to apply and not getting a single message back. I want to be involved but couldn't afford all my time being spent on these things anyway. I mean, clubs don't give you money; why bother taking the time to go through the f**king applications to join them? They think they are sht, bro.

20230201 Who am I and What I do

Who am I

I am an undergrad.

What do I do

Learning is a priority

Learning is the main thing in my life, and in short, learning cs.

Learning doesn't help you not be a noob. Learning doesn't help you get smarter. Learning isn't studying or cramming. Cramming is, and never will be, my priority, ever. Due to certain extreme circumstances and in strange parts of the globe, perhaps once in history, humans thought that maybe cramming could be the only thing you do. Sorry, if you want me to cram, F off. I am not a machine, and I believe that I have rights. Forced labor is slavery, and I am not doing or complying with anything that I believe is a severe waste of my efforts and emotions. I respect you and don't hope to offend anybody, but I am in control of myself. So yeah, I hope that I can be better in the future.

Why should I learn?

1 I have nothing to do in my next few years of life (I haven't thought of anything interesting as a full-time job) besides studying, which is (probably) going to grad school. If I have to go to grad school, there are many years ahead to study and research, and I think I have to learn some things.

Other reasons:

2 Understanding something is fun, and exploring a series of topics allows you to interact with the people creating them. Learning gives you joy.

3 Learning some knowledge brings about a culture in which you can actively interact with others about shared topics.

Etc., I do not want to further analyze something this complex.

For example, if you think that sports are as important as studying, and go climb mountains in the morning, workout at noon, and run in the evening, you are not gonna achieve good results in studying, which is gonna cause trouble later on in your studying (undergrad, grad) career. It doesn't seem that everybody doesn't do that. Instead, if I want a child, I want him/her to do that. However, I am too bad and not fit for that kinda lifestyle, you know, like the kind of kids who, my age, already got an Olympic Gold Medal before studying at a top university. I am not athletic, and I know that. However, be thankful that I am healthy.

What do I want

IDK man. Ask what I don't want. I don't want most things and I am too young.

What to do now

A: Learn

Yeah, Cal is top 1 in cs, so why not learn?

I was socially dead, so I want to make some friends here.

Etc, I mean, I suck, so yeah.

Final words: I know I suck ok? I know I am so bad. But it is 2:04 am, and I need to go to bed since I still haven't recovered from covid. Don't use the I suck as an excuse not to learn. Do what you want to do and do the stuff you like. Hop to make progress.

20230509 Emotional at night

I couldn't sleep now because I fell asleep earlier tonight at 7 and slept for about an hour. It is like 1 am.

I screwed up the entire thing about probability this semester, like the course is really hard. I couldn't even understand and get the concepts. The course is poorly explained and the problems really hard. I expected something easier, and I expected myself to easily learn the course. However, the truth was everything but normal. Turns out the course is like graduate-level and like 2 courses crammed into 1 semester, leaving me very much perplexed indeed.

Thinking back, none of it is my fault because 1 The course is not hard before midterm 2 I couldn't drop the course after midterm.

Anyways my sophomore year is so fucking bad and it made me think that university is just wholly shit. Of course high school is shit but so is university, if you don't know what I mean look at the hard work I paid in my freshman year and I didn't get perfect results and I ended up with nothing but an above-average grade and everything became troublesome in my sophomore year.

I hate having 3 exams a day. To be honest, I had never had 9 hours of exam in a day, that's crazier than high school. Like, in high school there are at most 6 hours of exams in a day, anyways.

I hate it when I am always struggling to catch up and I have no time to rest and I am kind of having troubles all the time. I am at the edge of a breakdown, and I almost had a breakdown today.

Then again I gamed all the time. I am kind of depressed these days. But it turns out that the result of exams doesn't depend on how much I studied. I couldn't even accuse myself on that, though. In high school I worked so hard and got average results, while in middle school I gamed and played all the time and got decent scores.

There are so many things I want to do in my life. However, university stopped me from doing those things. I was stuck at studying those useless shit. And the thing is I had to get good grades in order to go to grad school.

I kind of think it a miracle that I even survived 1 year in high school. Now when I am getting up at 7 and it feels like suicide. And I got up at 6 every day and sit 10 hours in class every day in high school.

I am kind of out of my mind these days, anyways. It was like me always doing strange things. For one, I don't want to get involved in racial matters. Leave it alone come on, I am yellow-skinned and just get out of this crap of white vs black, whatever. I hate this shit altogether.

Why should I be kind to others and follow rules?

I should be kind to others not because it is right to be kind. Instead, theoretically nothing is right in this world. You can't say a murderer isn't right or wrong. The existence of human being itself is a wrong thing because human kill animals every day. Almost every human being are murderers, even vegetarians in a sense. But is murdering wrong? It is complicated, and in conclusion there are no right or wrongs in this world, they are invented by human beings to classify specific cases, and not a general term to describe all things in this world. The fact that humans eat animals are simply law of the jungle, and same as predators eating preys. If predators don't hunt, they die of hunger, if they hunt, the preys became food.

Thus, the reason to be kind is that if you are kind to others, then others tend to be kind to you. We all hate those people who makes us feel bad, so if you make others feel good, they won't hate you that much.

All rules and laws in this society are biased, they are inaccurate in terms of measuring right or wrong. However, a society must be based on some rules, and that's the reason they exist, not because they are right, but because they are necessary. If I don't follow rules, I won't gain trust from others. So I need to follow rules in order to be a part of the society. On the other hand, no rules matter more than my life, and in desperate situations, for example, when a human is starving, the rules don't apply. The right thing to do when starving is to rob others and get food, the right thing to do when you are dying (not of old age) is to escape death with all measures, even including killing someone.