I walked out at just after midnight.

I went into a grocery store and bought 1.5 L water. Then I reached Iflytek park, and I never knew there was this place, where Iflytek operates. Of course, it was around just after 2 am, and still under construction. I only saw two buildings.

Everywhere along the 10 km I could see tall and beautiful residential buildings rise up. I was surprised how I never explored the places so close to my home.

Some places there was no pedestrian roads, but we get by easily, choosing other roads.

I kept walking even at 3:30. It was dark, and the road became more and more isolated. There was no light, just half built buildings, no cars, no people, and I reached the end of the road, in front of me was a highway.

And for the first time in a year I began to panic and long for, being home.

4 am, 0 degree Celsius, and I was far from any people in the end of this dark road, only occasionally trucks storm by.

Then it became more survival focused. I realized that it is self destructive behavior. Recent days seem to pass, and they seem not somehow. I don't know why I wandered for 15 km here our at night, I just, don't feel like doing anything else and can't forgive myself.

I called for taxi on my phone, and there was no answer for 10 minutes. I walked around 1 km back, there was just some isolated stores along the road with still no people, only on the bigger roads were some trucks occasionally going by. I couldn't help but notice just how isolated the road is. I called for taxi on my phone again, and waited 10 minutes, still no answer.

I walked another 4 km back, and my feet began hurting a little, my back began to hurt a little. It was getting colder. I thought like wandered straight into darkness alone, like, how for much of the entire journey there is nothing but isolation. How did I walk so much? I don't know, I don't understand. There was still no presence of people, except one guard I passed on the road. I heard a distant howl of someone. I think I still don't have much hope for taxi here. It was 5 am.

Then I saw the Iflytek park again. It seemed like this is the first time I needed to walk the majority of the way back(every other time I lost myself in the city, go to the nearest subway or call for a taxi which usually answers in seconds). I walked over 20 km total.

I called taxi at just around Iflytek park, and got an answer in seconds. It was 5:20 am. Oh, what a night.

Крыши домов дрожат под тяжестью дней
Небесный пастух пасёт облака
Город стреляет в ночь дробью огней
Но ночь сильней, её власть велика

I woke up at 3 or 4 pm, and I found myself going out again just after dark. I couldn't resist.

I walked 7 km into isolation again and felt nothing, like it was just so quick.

There was this huge bridge. I walked passed it, admiring the beauty. But after the bridge there was nothing, simply nothing. There was a road on the map but it was pitch dark. I tried to go around down the bridge, there were dog barks and no roads. There was only 2 construction worker down there.

I called a taxi again and couldn't get answer, it was 7 pm. I was very thirsty. I had to walk back 2 km again. I called a taxi and they answered. The taxi driver kept questioning my behavior of wandering, like "why did you go so far?"

I went to school for dinner. It was well past 8 pm and there was only fast food, so I ate some fast food. I felt guilty for putting on weight but I was hungry as fuck, literally.

Now I am a little scared of just walking out of my house, it feels like the wild is calling and I need a rope to bind me from just wandering off there and on and on indefinitely into the wild at late night, without water and unprepared.

I don't think this is very normal? And I don't think anyone else would like to go with me? I thought about the book "along for the ride" and how when I was reading it I was literally confused why people would not sleep at night, like 12, or 1 am is late enough, now I am a night owl and I fully get this feeling.