Current State of Mind

It has been a while since I posted, and Class is starting tomorrow. Today is Martin Luther King Day. Everybody takes a day off.

Today is a fine day, the sun shining bright and clear sky. But it is very windy. I did almost nothing, just playing and wasting time all day, like every other day.

Tomorrow my classes are starting. I am so afraid that I cannot understand the class materials.

My bad habits lead to late nights endin' alone
Conversations with a stranger I barely know
Swearin' this'll be the last, but it probably won't
I got nothin' left to lose, or use, or do

Personal Thoughts and Challenges

My housemates are just moving in. There weren't very talkative, spending most of their time in their rooms.

My fourth finger hurts a little on the edges, but it's like no big deal.

I mean, now I still haven't got many friends. My social life is so strange starting from middle school. I really want to have some people to talk to and hang out with. I mean, it sucks to be alone.

I know that learning is the only thing that I should actually do. I know that I still suck. But seeing people my age hanging out with friends just makes me kinda feel so lonely, you know. Sometimes when you go to a concert or a show alone, and you don't enjoy and walk out. But if you go to see a drama with someone else, it gets so interesting.

Most of the time, I am telling myself that learning is the only important thing that matters in my life. If not, then why should I go to Shibei instead of SMIC? Why should I go to UCB to exchange instead of, like, UCI? My parents cared about this thing a lot. I have thought about nothing more, and here's my conclusion. I am still so bad, and I should keep learning my priority and ignore other stuff.

My sleeping schedule is still strange, I mean, the bed doesn't make you very sleepy, so I ended up spending much time trying to fall asleep and wondering nothing.

Tomorrow my schedule will be more packed, and I think this semester will be the most unique one in my life.

There are many things I hope to achieve, but I doubt that I will make any one of them. It was just that, you know, how uncontrollable I am.

Life at Berkeley

Berkeley is a beautiful place, and foothill is a yummy cafeteria. I don't care what other people are saying, but the dining hall food is enjoyable. I guess that I just enjoy almost any food, except those very spicy, salty stuff.

Windows became very slow. I hate it when it becomes like that. I mean, Linux computers are much faster and easier to use without having u wait a thousand years to load some basic features.

Today I went to Edward's Stadium and saw a group of students. Actually, it wasn't kids. They look quite old. I mean, not old, but mature. They look much more mature than me, and I believe that they may be a few years older than me.

I believe that by focusing on academics, I can enjoy life and be less anxious, achieving a sense of serenity. But I am so stupid and lazy. I really hope I change someday.

Looking Ahead

Oh, and by the way, I am just trying to get up early. I mean, I have to go to morning classes at 8 am, so I have to get up before 7, right?

It was like climbing mountains, just going to the classrooms and library.

I also want to run, but somehow I had classes every day at 5 pm, so I can't join the Cal Running Club. I want to run myself on Edward's Stadium, but it was, like, usually closed. Many people here wear shorts in this freezing 50 F winter, and some of them aren't even fat. I feel so cold sometimes.

I dunno what else to say in this blog.

Second Day at Cal

Wassup guys! This is my second day at Cal.

Today I overslept. I went home, like, really tired yesterday and went immediately to sleep after, like, having a small dinner. I slept like a baby for, like, 10 hours.

I went to class early. These days I have classes at 8 am. Fortunately, I still arrived on time. The campus is hilly, and climbing up is tedious.

Some professors look Indian, and it kinda reminds me of Nptel Channel on YouTube. They are tall with a thick Indian accent.

Today in one of the classes, there are so many people in the classroom that there is almost no place to sit on the floor. I mean, literally, it was so hot and humid in the classroom, and I just wanna get out. Cal is such a big public school, and it does have some disadvantages. However, I will not complain and will enjoy myself here.

I think back and didn't think I had much casual interaction with people. I mean, just that the conversations were so formal.

Someday I want to be one of those senior fellows. They seem so respected by the students and can do whatever they want. However, I am very lazy and stupid and weak, so I do not know if they will be realistic.

Many things suck, but it doesn't matter, right? I mean, long as you are in some F* good school, everything will be fine. You can meet good students and teachers, and nothing can go wrong. I know everything sucks, but it doesn't matter, right? I don't want to be a happy deliveryman or a happy guard because you just can't be happy when you earn so low wages and work so hard and so long hours. Whatever, even if you don't work, you can't be happy because you don't have something to do, and extreme boredom is a cause for depression and anxiety, leading some to consume drugs and commit crimes whatsoever. I don't have an idea of what to do, and I don't care because, in the end, I am just a poor young student.

I had a lot of running around today, and the compiler is denied. I felt tired and then thought that I couldn't even have the strength to exercise.

I want to join SAAS. But I don't want to join consulting clubs.

I had thought of attending many courses, but I think now that I will probably take 6.

I had an awful dinner since cafe3 and crossroads are closed.

Actually aren't a lot of women in the class. Quite like USTC tbh. So many Asian faces.

After that, I went to 189, and I went 20 min earlier. But sadly, there were like no seats.

So many courses are like, overcrowded. Students are kinda crammed into courses. Sadly I am a cs major, so only a large class for me.

Honestly, I had thought the United States was too good before. It was not realistic. I could still get something out of this experience, though.

I went to the recreational sports center, and it was kinda cramped again. I honestly don't feel comfortable being crammed.

Basically, I could live on two things, studying, exercising, and basically maintaining my health. Right now, it is like studying combined with exercising, and going from classes with a bag is hard work for me.

But still, I want to make some new friends and try to get a few I could talk to. I don't want to feel this way. People seemed so old, or it was just that I seemed so young.

So many things I couldn't consider now, mainly I just want to get an interactive experience, or else it was kinda no difference between traveling in the US on google map (which is actually better since the street views only have fine sunny days)

Cal is such a big school

The library was impressive. What I liked about it was that nobody occupied seats, I mean. In Chinese libraries, about two-thirds of seats are covered with clothing and stuff. At Cal, most seats are left empty.

Trying to get into my schedule, and not sure if I will succeed or not, anyway.

Tried getting into a few clubs. There are, like, so many people, and they are, like, so different. So I didn't even figure out which club I wanted to join. Yeah, and the campus is so big, like, no wonder, more than ten times USTC.

I feel like joining a tech club, but I worry about the workload. I mean, a lazy person like me would feel tired. Just taking classes on the weekdays and doing homework on the weekends is tiring enough for me.

I still feel very strange about the temperatures. Sometimes I feel hot in short sleeves, other times so cold, like when I just woke up. Anyways the house was like 80 degrees, and I dislike them doing that, like, boiling themselves. I know it's winter, but it's mild.

Cal is such an interesting school, and I hope to do something this semester, hopefully. I am not optimistic.

Didn't understand much in cs courses. Gonna try studying hard, but it is genuinely hard.

Also, I feel like it takes some effort but making friends isn't that hard, I mean. Just gonna need to do a lot of things. I sort of want to be dedicated to learning right now. It sounds strange, right?

Look, UCB is so much better at cs than any Chinese school, so I should definitely treasure this opportunity and get the best out of it.

I kind of like want to go more applications and algorithm part but still, learning hardware isn't bad, right? Also, I kinda just want to get some information about that class. Anyway.

Finding My Identity in Berkeley

Unexpected Contentment with USTC

I have such controversial thoughts these days. I think that I adapted pretty well to USTC. I don't know why I am thinking that.

What I think is that, basically, I think I know what to do at USTC. I mean, I even think I am pretty well off there. I don't even think there would be a problem if it wasn't for the covid restrictions and mass testing. The only thing would be that I was kinda bored. But that doesn't matter cause I had been feeling bored for half a decade. I think I got used to that kind of life and identity now.

If I am back in USTC right now, I would be living in my house on the 32nd floor and preparing for my exams. Then I would try coding and doing cool stuff about computer science. I mean, I don't even see a problem there, strangely.

I know exactly what to do in China. I know exactly what to do at USTC. I found my identity. I can follow the path down the road. I don't need to think that much. I will achieve my goals.

I don't know what to do if I am in another Chinese university, like those universities with equal gender ratios. I seriously don't. But we like USTC, and we don't talk about them.

I mean, back then, when I was saying USTC sucks, I didn't even know what it feels like outside in this unfriendly world. USTC isn't friendly in some aspects, but there is a way to solve these problems and get along with life, right?

I don't know. I will probably see this post, like, one year later and see what I would be thinking.

The Path I Had Planned

But I am here, and there is no going back.

1 Studying CS courses
2 Doing school work
3 Running and hiking
4 (Optional) Expanding my own blog and doing fiction and film reviews

That's it. I would be fine in my undergrad years

Back then, in middle school, when I desperately wanted to know the outside world, I couldn't. I learned to adapt to the learning environment and everything.

Realizing the Need for Change

"The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn. We've passed the Point of no return."

What I would be doing back in USTC is seemed well off.

I build this fantasy in my imagination, and it is wrong.

I need to find a new community here.

Late night staying up

If you want to do something over 1 hour probably listen to this 10h version.

Senorita is just toxic.

I could stay home all day and listen to this song, and then it would be time to go to sleep.

Classes at Cal

Classes at Cal are super big, and not interactive as I have imagined. But this is just for computer science courses. There is one professor teaching 500 students, so how can you get to know the professor?

At USTC I didn't write a lot of programs and it was kind of terrible. I didn't even know how to use python. I am a complete computer noob even though I am a sophomore.

I have enrolled in four courses here and I think the workload is huge for each of them. But I don't want to drop any of them because they are quite important. I don't even think I have time for clubs or just anything else. Plus I am an individualist and prefer to do things myself.

Basically the goal this semester is to do the final exam and finish the four courses. If I do that, it would be good enough. I don't know what else to do. I don't even want to join clubs.

Socializing Journal (we hope this lasts!

People aren't friendly, and clubs aren't friendly. Some decals I wanted to enroll in got full before I knew it. No decals took me in. I am angry and frustrated, but it was all because of myself. I hate myself and hate poor organizations. Why is it so hard to make friends? I mean, why should I bother going through so much?

Clubs I want to join

• Cal Running Club (No membership)
• SAAS
• PlexTech
• CHAOS(No membership)
• OCF(No membership)