The start of December------Busy With Tests

There was no snow that winter. With December came the high-school entering test and math competitions.

I decided to go to an International school since my parents want me to go to an American university and learn more. I applied to Shanghai World Foreign Language Middle School.

School Entrance Tests

The test was arranged as follows

• 8:00-10:00 Math

• 10:30-12:00 Chinese

• 1:00-3:00 English

This is the schedule of the test. The math test was very easy and in the end, there were only 2 problems I didn't work out. The English test was hard and I didn't write the composition well.

In the evening, I felt tired and went out for a walk.

In 12.1 I came to Shanghai Pinghe Bilingual School to take their application test. They only have math and English tests.

The math test is very easy and I soon worked out all the problems and checked it again. The English test was very strange. Of all the entrance tests I've participated in, I never saw a test like that. The cloze has a total worth of 16 points, while its total is only 28 points. I spent my time wisely and did the test.

After two tests I went for a walk along a small river, it was really relaxing.

Because of me doing well in the tests, I was asked to enter the second part of the entrance exam. The second part was to be interviewed by two
teachers.

On 12.11 I went to WFLS. They asked me to introduce myself in Chinese and English and ask questions to the others.

It was 3:00 in the afternoon and I was sitting in a room with 3 girls and 2 boys(including me).

The teacher: Stand up and introduce yourself. If you're ready, please raise your hand.

One by one, the others stood up and introduced themselves. A boy is good at walking long distances, a girl good at singing, English, and always helping community.

I was the fourth to raise my hand. I described my math skills and English ability. I also said I can run really fast and can run 1km in 3:27. They seemed impressed. The others never said about their math skills. They only said about their TOELF points and social activities.

Then I went home feeling anxious and excited.

Math Competition

In 12,14 I went to join a math competition held by Shanghai math school. It was easy and I had done so many similar tests at school (in fact, one day doing at least two of them). I did well in that test and got second prize(I was first in second prize).

School Interviews

In the afternoon I went to Pinghe school. Pinghe is located in Green City in Pudong district. What beautiful places! The street is lined with trees on both sides and you can see foreigners and big houses everywhere. It is one of the most beautiful places in Shanghai and an international community, Such an escape from the pressured, competing environment at school!

I went inside the school, and, since I was to be called an hour later, I sat down in their cafeteria and read "Ordinary World".

Then I was called, I went inside and to be interviewed by a foreign teacher.

I said I liked math, and number theory best. He asked me if I would like to explain whether number theory is invented or is being discovered. I said man invent numbers and then the theories and hidden there for them
to discover.

I was then called up to the third floor and was interviewed by two female teachers. Looking back, I was really dissatisfied.

Firstly the teacher asked me for my basic information.

• You study till how late in the night?

• Till ten, sometimes till eleven. I think efficiency is more important than huge amounts of time spent. I think sufficient sleep brings me more energy to focus in the daytime.

• You want to live on campus, right?

• Yes.

• Then what do you do if your roommate study at night?

• (I felt taken aback by this sudden attack.) I will associate with him. If not successful I will call my parents and teachers and listen to their advice.

• (sounding not OK)Ok

• You good at mathematics?

• Yes.

• What prizes have you got.

• Second prize in Shanghai math school competition in eighth-grade.

• That a prize in your school?

• (I felt surprised. They didn't even know what I was saying. How strange! My brain froze at that time and I didn't know how to explain myself. Shanghai math school isn't a school like Shibei middle school.) No.

• How many participants?

(The teachers didn't seem impressed at all. I wanted to say, you don't know my ability in math, and she was like thinking I'm not so good. But those three hundred participants are among the best in Shanghai and I got second prize. Pinghe school hasn't got one on the list. I feel confident I can be number one in mathematics in your school.)

• Give you 1 minute. Explain this drawing.

(It was a drawing of two robbers stealing artwork from a gallery. Except at that time, I didn't really understand. I thought they were preparing for a gallery or something.)

(It showed two thieves, instead of stealing the artworks, took the label away. This drawing was supposed to tell us we need material objects more than things from the surface.)

• Ok, you may go.(This time sounding Really not ok)

I failed this interview.

Reflections and Results

There are three reasons for my failure.

1. The teacher wasn't satisfied.

2. I am really not good at explaining things.

3. I am not good at identifying what pictures are going to tell.

Actually Green City is always my favorite place so failing it was kind of sad for me, even though it didn't matter since I wasn't going to that school anyways.

After these two tests, December was drawing to an end.

How school was at the end of December

At the end of December, things in school became duller than ever.

There were no more new things to study. every day was reviewing and repeating.

Teachers were getting anxious, and students were more anxious. Teachers worried whether students would be admitted to good high schools. The first mock exam was drawing nearer.

Some students had already been admitted to good schools, only afraid to be rejected. Other students were working so hard, trying to be admitted to lower-level schools.

That was why some students were preparing for their high school competitions and busy showing off while other students were struggling under great pressure.

Although I said I wanted to go to an International school, the teacher still moved me to the front row. Being in the front row meant being watched by the teachers 10 hours a day and sitting with lots of other anxious students.

I felt extremely lonely these days. The school was killing me.

How I walked to entertain myself

Every Friday I walked along the Huangpu River. I walked on the south part of the route, from the China Art Museum to the Oriental Sports Center. These days were too cold for running, so my only entertainment was walking. Looking into the wide space, seeing how big the world really is made me realize how little I was.

There are lots of places to rest along the route. I walked inside to get hot water and a place to rest. I saw the date 19-12-21. I thought about how much of 2019 was left. Oh, such a long year. I matured a lot. Yet it was suddenly ending.

I thought about the famous poet Su Shi said

If you look at its changing aspect, the universe passes in the twinkling of an eye; but if you look at its changeless aspect, all creatures including ourselves are imperishable.

Everything is going to pass away, even money, people. We are but little insects in the world, our lives nothing of a matter. Life is changeable and unstable. Thus treasuring the present, making use of the things you have, and not wasting time is important. Knowing this can only make us pay more attention to the present joys and enjoyments and be more than happy to accept everything we have and the way they are instead of blaming the world for bad fortunes and few opportunities.

Huangpu River is a beautiful river, so beautiful at night. There is a Bowl-like building in Puxi and a tall white building in Pudong. There is a big temperature building and a huge stone hand near the Nanpu Bridge. Rivers with shiny bridges, green lawns, and beautiful flowers are all along the way.

I found a world of mine on those walks. It seemed I can put all my problems on the wide horizon and never fill it up. I wanted to be like that.

How I found interest in Math

Math appeals to me more than ever. I studied math to get rid of the stress of other subjects. Math is so beautiful, so strict, yet so flexible.

I studied maths at the organization Xueersi. The teacher is very smart. He can calculate numbers fast as lightning. He is young and skinny. He always smiles and he never talks about anything other than math in his classes.

I studied complex numbers, calculus, and vector there. I felt as if I was going into a great new world when I study math. My skills improved really fast these days.

How the first 10 days of 2020 was

On 2020.1.1 I went to Daning park to play. I saw many young children, but not one as old as me.

On 1.7-1.9, we finally had the test. I got a good score, mainly because I got 129 in Chinese. I was really lucky that time.

These were the days when everything was happening at once. It was the climax of 9th-grade.

The winter holiday I was waiting for finally came.

But then covid came.

---

(Added later)

While I was rejected by Pinghe, I got admitted quickly to World Foreign Language School. I took an interview just a week apart in World Foreign Language School. It was in Minhang. The top percentages of the exam was called to the interview. I went into a room, and there were 3 girls and 2 boys. First we introduced ourselves. I had the Shanghai advanced interpretation certificate and math competitions. I didn't mention TOEFL, my scores were quite low. I remember a girl in the group whose TOEFL was over 110. She spoke so fluent English. I wanted to practice English debate and public speaking, my English was becoming rusty in my middle school. And then we were asked a thing we achieved. I said something about math. The boy in the group said he once walked 40 km or something. Anyway, they seemed to be very interesting people.

In January I went to Hua'er's IB track's activity. It wasn't even an interview - it was just an activity. I didn't even know if they were evaluating students or on what basis. There was some trivial group activities, then we chatted with some former students. Everyone there was so bad in math. I am overqualified and going there anyway. The activity ended and I took the subway to People's Square for a physics class in Xueersi in the evening about Calculus. You can see those 8th graders from my middle school every week in those cram classes. Anywhere I go I ran into those a grade below me from my middle school.

I remembered when I was dragging my tired body back home from a cram agency in People's square at the start of January after the first mock exam. I went into a grocery store. There was some quiet music and I overheard two young people chatting about how lucky they got a long winter holiday from 1.6-3.2, almost the length of a summer holiday. I didn't know my winter holiday was also going to be so long.

The Huangpu library's closing music is "Take Me to Your Heart" by Michael Learns to Rock. I was there for so long almost everyday in the winter holidays. You hop off from the "Raffles City Shanghai" at East Nanjing Road station, walk a few blocks, and there is Huangpu library. The area of People's Square is so small, the math and physics cramming agencies, Xueersi, the Gaolian second-round geometry class, and Jiahui are all minutes of walk away. There is the veggie buffet "Sumanxiang" restaurant where you can go and eat for 29 RMB. Across the street are cheap, second-handed clothing shops.

I did a lot of math competition practices and a lot of other subjects in the Huangpu Library. It became a daily routine during those cold and rainy January days. With the new covid rumors, the bitter rain, the city streets became congested blood veins, flowing with busy people lost in their own businesses.

At the start of covid breakout in 1.24, I suddenly got a bad cold. My parents planned a 5 day vacation, and they cancelled it just as the first wave of covid was coming.

I was actually grateful for the pandemic because the winter holiday got extended. After days of gloomy rain and pollution, the sky cleared up, and it was all bright sunny days.

During the covid months I was so active. I didn't register the pandemic in my brain.

If you draw a circle of a 5 km radius centered around my house in Jing'an, there wasn't a single place unfamiliar to me. It was just a lot of walking everyday as I had nothing else to do, but I didn't take the subway. I walked 5-10 km every day. My winter holiday got extended.

Who cares about the online classes? I almost never watched even one. I didn't even have a smartphone at the same and teachers couldn't reach me. My parents always checked the messages for me. I did not want a smartphone. I told my parents if they bought me a smartphone, they better bought a pair of glasses for me as well because I would get myopia instantly. Finally I had to use my dad's old phone for the Dingtalk thing. So I told my parents to do eye massages for me everyday twice. Because I did not use the smartphone much, I frequently turned in the homework late. I got frequently alerted on Dingtalk that I was one of the only ones in class who hadn't handed in the homework. But I literally couldn't do the homework on time anyway, I did always hand in the homework later.

I picked up the old Song Ci book. I had memorized around half of the Ci poetry on the book in 6th grade. I memorized everything by Li Qingzhao, Su Shi, Xin Qi Ji, Liu Yong, Yan Shu, Yan Jidao years ago, but the more niches I didn't memorize before. I memorized all of the old Song Ci book, around 100 Ci poems.

I watched Mean Girls and Easy A. I read "Roll of Thunder, hear my cry". I read "Auggie and Me" again. I watched Phantom of the Opera again. I began to play accordion again.

雨横风狂三月暮，门掩黄昏，无计留春住。

The end of March was heavy rain and walking every day. School still hadn't started yet. My mind went back to the Song dynasty.

Suzhou Creek, Jiatong park, street foods of Sichuan road, the bustling Zhijiang Road, the distant Hutai Road, Suzhou Creek, Fuxing island, Hongkou football stadium, I was walking so much these days.

School finally started at end April. School ended at 3 pm because of covid, while it used to end at 6 or 7 pm the previous autumn. But I still hated my middle school.

I was going to Hua'er, specifically the AP/IB track. My parents planned to send me to the Hua'er International track for years. It had the prestige of a top Shanghai school, the math competition programs, and I can go abroad if I wanted. But there was covid, and my parents began hesitating about whether or not to send me abroad. They wanted me in the IB track of a top public school.

Start of May, I walked in Qiantan along Huangpu River while reciting the Ci poems in my head. I walked in Zhangjiang. This is the place where I would finally belong. My parents bought 2 apartments here. The Tomson Gardens and the Hua'er high school are next to each other in the quiet, peaceful tech neighborhood. My parents rented in Jing'an for me to be close to my middle school. We would move to Zhangjiang soon. My mom even networked into the Hua'er IB school's teachers. In fact, that year Hua'er's IB track had already handed out free offers to some of my primary school classmates in worse middle schools even as they did nothing.

5.23 came with the famous "Zizhao", high school's specialized exams. It used to be in March, but it got delayed this year.

I went to Hua'er's exams on 5.23, and no surprise I saw my middle school classmates there, except they are going for the normal tracks. I was going to easy come out at the top. My mom told me to go to Jiaotong affliated's exams as well just for me to have a safety net. I went Jiaotong on 5.24, the second day of "Zizhao", and no surprise I saw my middle school classmates again. There were only two days. Exams are Chinese, Math, English, and some Physics. The math is quite difficult, which means I would have a massive advantage. But anyway, I was going into the International track, which is far less competitive, and I already had an offer in my hand.

The shock came when Hua'er did not accept me for no reasons at all. Objectively I was a top competitor in math in the city. But I was going to the International track, it was supposed to be easy. I do not believe I failed to qualify - it was a chaotic mess that year. So I was going to Jiaotong affliated university's IB track. I was going to live in the school dorms then. It is in Yangpu, and takes too long to commute from east Pudong. I went to Jiaotong high school with my dad to accept the offer.

June. It was still not realxed in school. I was counting down the days. I wanted to get out.

Anxiety never stopped coming after me. I was drenched in anxiety in school. I could not shake it off. All the teachers were anxious, all my classmates were anxious when they are already admitted to top schools. I needed to get out of the dreaded middle school. The victory was becoming less triumphant and more hollow by the day.

Everything was about to end, right? I suffered 4 years in the top math competition school in Shanghai. I did very well. I won the battle. I am superior because of my competition background. Now the teen life is finally here for me to enjoy. All the fun, romance, conversations, cultural explorations, all delayed but all finally coming.

One last thing, "Zhongkao". Although I got admitted to Jiaotong affliated high school's IB track in "Zizhao", you still have to take it. You get 50 points addition in "Zhongkao". I do not know why my teachers are still not relaxed. There are only a few students in my class who didn't got an offer in "Zizhou" from the top 4 high schools.

Zhongkao came with a downpour, the typical monsoon weather in the Yangtze river delta. I went into the Daning park after Zhongkao. There were no teenagers there.

Zhongkao ended. It all ended. No. Immediately, the next day, I needed to go to the bootcamp by Jiaotong high school - all admitted students must go there. I went there full of resentment. The whole purpose of these camps was, to me, to get selected for the top 5 quota for the Gaolian high school math comeptition in the entire grade of 400 Gaokao-track students. There were math exams for 5 days and a lot of talks given by the teachers. The teachers constantly used out of touch narratives and grand visions, like how if you work hard, you can realize your dreams in Peking university. What dreams? I don't know, but any critical thinkings were not allowed when everyone sat for hours in the giant auditorium for 4 hours a day, where it was extremely awkward to even go to the toilets. Somehow nobody in the school had any visible resentment I had.

I finally had my WeChat! I was the last in my middle school to have WeChat. I still didn't want to use a smartphone.

Finally, IB students are called to a room in the long, useless bootcamp. There were only 20 students. But then came the IB head teacher, a small Chinese man, and he immediately started lecturing on rote compliance and useless hard work. The teacher lectured about how to study the "new concept english", an extremely outdated Chingish grammar textbook. He talked all about the dogma, how compliance in his worldview would lead to success. It was designed to shut off critical thinking. He said he taught in the Gaokao track. Why did the school assign such a dumb, condescending teacher? His name is Ben. My literal brain could not agree with it. When he finished lecturing, I immediately began talking back and arguing with him. I pointed out his methods are archaic, his undertone is too authoritarian, and his definition of success is too rigid. I can largely achieve access through my true interests. Nobody else was arguing on my side, the teacher didn't scold me it felt really weird. Isn't this an IB class?

I just finished Zhongkao, awaiting me ought to be freedom and fun.

The bootcamp ended. I moved to Zhangjiang. But the monsoon rain kept pouring everyday for 2 weeks. I wanted to run. I wanted to go out. I wanted to explore the city.

The rain ended in late July. Then we went back to Henan to see my grandparents. The sky cleared. I started to run 3-5 km a day again. Whatever was left of the summer holiday.

My daily life consisted mainly of 6 activities. Chinese poetry, math, reading English books, walking, running, and playing accordion. I read "In the Unlikely Event" and several other books. I forgot when I read "A Farewell to Arms", "Robinson Crusoe", "Along for the Ride", it's probably also in that period or during the early covid. I had read almost every other Judy Blume YA books in my home before.

We were going to have a class sorting exam in early August. There are 5 or 6 top classes and 5 normal classes. It doesn't matter for me, but the tension just could not end. The anxiety was everywhere in the air. I went into the "Yingcai" class, the second best class in my high school. I got in the top 5 quota for Gaolian. I got 2nd prize in the Southeast Olympics.

The school said that everyone in the IB track was going to study in the Gaokao track for a year anyway. My parents wanted me to go to Gaokao instead. My new head teacher Dr. Liu in the "Yingcai" class came for a home visit. There wasn't really much to say. Finally, a balanced gender ratio? Perhaps friendly classmates? I tried to ignore my internal alarm bell.

The new semester started. I could not adapt to the rigid curriculum from 7 am to 9 pm. I could not get enough sleep almost every single night. Most students didn't sleep well either, they just didn't complain. You have to wake up at 6:20, and everyone must be out of the dorms at 6:45. I simply couldn't sleep at 10 pm. One day I went back to sleep again after the bell rang, and I got out of the dorms at 8 am, and I got criticized again by Dr. Liu.

I memorized all my classmates' names in 4 or 5 days. I wanted to get to know them. I want my high school to be fun. One of my roommate said he didn't know everyone yet. I thought this person is very boring and dull. The vibe in my high school class was much less confrontational or overtly aggressive like my all-male middle school class, but it was way worse, hypocritical, very passive-aggressive, and had zero personalities.

In the first "starting exam" in high school, I ended up 41 out of 44 in the "Yingcai" class. My English ranked the bottom 2. My math got neutralized because the Gaokao math was too easy. My Chinese and Chemistry were also among the bottom 10.

The math teacher was Mr. Li. Whenever it was math class, I would go upstairs to the math competition class by Mr. Xu. Mr. Xu taught in Shibei middle school the year before and coincidentally he also transferred to my high school to teach math competition, so he was my math teacher at 6th grade and in high school. I still had to do the conventional math homework. I didn't want to do it and I dismissed it as trivial. One day, I began arguging with Mr. Li about math. And I argued with him for almost an hour in the hallway about how I hated the curriculum and how math competition is superior. He kept trying to bully me to submission. He claimed he studied math "much longer than I did". But his teachings are objectively just terrible. Oh I hated teachers so much.

I went to the Gaolian competition in September. I walked away without a prize. It was the first time I didn't get even a third prize in years - in nearly all of middle school math competitions I got something, in the Southeast I got the second prize, in the Shanghai math school competitions I got the second prize twice, in the Shanghai physics school competitions I got third, and I qualified for AIME in 7th grade. It alarmed me. I was in free fall. Suddenly I ran out of cards and I had zero advantages. And I was left alone.

Going upstairs for the separate math course was the last straw I had for my ego? I hated the Chinese teacher, an old woman who had her prejudices on students, and I looked down on her. The English teacher told me that perhaps I am the weaker ones in English in the class and that I needed help.

My parents changed. Suddenly, they were no longer the background figures encouraging and helping me. My father quit his job a year ago from a burnout, now he's mid-aged and unemployed. My dad told me to suffer, study all day long and dedicate every living moment to the exams, that's what he did in his high school and got him good grades. They told me to stop playing the accordion and sacrifice my leisure time. I asked whether I can still run every day. They said school was simply more important. I argued that I can study hard, but I must set boundaries and protect my hobbies like running. I said I could not sleep well in school. My parents told me to just figure it out. I thought it was really unfair, but I couldn't argue back anymore, I was already exhausted from constantly talking to senseless adults.

I lost. I lost to the school. I lost to my classmates. I lost to the teachers. And my parents sabotaged me. Years later, I still had dreadful nightmares of my high school.

In English class, the English teacher asked students to do a self-introduction with a PPT if they want. I proudly made a PPT and I talked about how I liked math, how I played accordion, how I liked running, and that I knew the streets and alleys of Shanghai from walking extensively. But it didn't change anything for me. Most of my classmates never even did such an introduction.

Somehow I ended up getting to know some students a grade above me in the math competition classes. Some of them are also from Shibei middle school. Then I knew a lot of other people in that class when I ate lunch with them. I knew a lot of their faces, though I didn't know most of their names and I didn't add WeChat back then. They were mostly just as exhausted as I was and suffering in the stupid Gaokao system.

I joined a Hip-Hop dance. There was a total 16 classmates in the dance, and only one other was a boy. So for several weeks we practiced and did some rehearsals, it wasn't difficult. Then we performed on stage. I was quite nervous but I did well. Although I was in too much defeat back then to enjoy it, it was the very rare, genuinely fun activity. But it ended, and all the social experiments I thought of in high school ended.

I ran 3:18 in the 1k race in the sports meeting, and I got 5th in the grade. But it didn't matter already.

I did listen to my parents and studied hard during the first semester. Did my Chinese scores improve in the mid-term or the finals? No. The Chinese teacher created a facade that if you studied harder, if you memorized more facts, if you became more obedient, your score would go up. In fact, no matter how hard I studied, my scores would just stay the same or go worse. 10 classes a day was killing me. My middle school seemed much better in comparison - because I never fell behind in math at least. I don't want to talk about it anymore.