I got my USTC diploma in mid-July after finally passing the remaining exams. I am officially a C9 graduate now! It took me 5 years and constant struggles from being admitted to USTC school of gifted young to finishing my undergrad degree. I was still in a state of burnout. By the end of July I was in Arkansas. I've been here for 2 months, and I like my PI so far.

"Thinking Problems" and Paper Journals

I have been wasting a lot of times on "thinking problems" lately. I won't delete the previous entries on my huge "Random Writings", but I have decided to keep a paper journal these days.

A "thinking problem" is when you try to use logic to solve an emotional problem, such as loneliness, boredom, or shame. Nobody had the human condition figured out. Instead of focusing on these questions, try to ask "What should I realistically do today?"

• "Where to derive my self worth from? What do other people think of me? How am I better than other people?"
• "When should I marry? How long, if ever, can I get in a relationship, and what's the possibility? What would happen next month?"
• "What is my true identity? Chinese? American? ABC? First-gen Immigrant? Confucian? Taoist?"

I began to listen to a lot of Russian rock again. I liked listening to Bi-2 since 3 years ago.

• Лучшие Песни Группы Би-2
• Группа КИНО - ЛУЧШИЕ ПЕСНИ @ХитЗаХитом
• Треки от фильма" Брат 2" (Russian cult film about America)

Culture Shock

There is more culture shock in Arkansas than even in Russia or Belarus.

People here live very differently. A lot of people live in Greek Houses, and their lives probably revolve around drinking, partying and hookups. Some people are kind of crude, and some people are kind of insular, a lot of people are from Texas, but even the most tacky people would be polite to your face and hold a door for you. Someone can send strong signals to you one day, and flake completely tomorrow. People still use SMS here for private communications instead of like Telegram.

Every Friday or Saturday you would see my 3 male roommates (they are all Americans, senior, grad student, sophomore) doing pre-game in the living room. Then they are out drinking in Dicksons. I don't drink, and honestly we get along decently so far. But somehow bars here close at just 2 am. If you go to bars in Shanghai in Wuding Road, they open till 5 or 6 am.

Lab and Money Stuff

Honestly, the workload isn't too much. Everyone works like 9 to 5 in the lab. I spent more time in a post-burnout hangover state than being productive. But the lab is very comfortable, with a shower room in the hallway, and you can stay there 7 days a week all day long till midnight.

"Shanghai upper middle class" privilege checkout. My labmates are from Panama, Vietnam, and Bangladesh. Only I have the unlimited campus meal plan (2700 USD per semester, so like 22 USD per day). They all live far from the campus for cheaper apartments and cook themselves, and they never go to clubs or events. Even compared to the domestic students, who usually take on debts and some work part-time, I am highly privileged financially.

I don't know any Chinese students here, maybe just one or two by face. I don't speak much Chinese right now except with my PI. I was mostly doing the talking in the CSSA group chat. My primary language had been English for many years already. I don't know any Russians or CIS people here, except one instructor and some second-gens who barely speak Russian. But you can hear Spanish everywhere among hotel staffs, cleaning and cafeteria workers.

My salary is 2300 a month with parent subsidies. I searched all the VOO, Sp 500, Treasury, and decided to put money there for now. I don't have a car yet and plan to get one later. If I can't stay in the US for some reason, I would go to other developed, English-speaking countries like Canada, Australia, or the Netherlands - I don't want to go back to orthodox China.

School Clubs and Socializing

School clubs are fun, but they are not the solution to your loneliness. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's not.

My favorite clubs so far is the partner dancing club, the Spanish language table, and sometimes going to the gym to play ping pong. The creative writing club is also like ok. They meet like 2 times a week. The ballroom dancing club is quite tight-knit; members have appeared on each other's Instagram feeds for years. You would learn Cha Cha, Foxtrot, Waltz, 2-step, and East Coast Swing, etc. And the club staff would demonstrate to you then "leads find follows" or "follows find leads" and you would then rotate partners. They go to competitions at Purdue, although I just went there for fun. And I broke the touch barrier - in China we don't do partner dancing. The Multicultural Center and Hispanic organizations are mostly first-gen college students, some people are cool, and they don't host events on a fixed schedule. I learned almost everyone's name and got a lot of Instagrams.

I do not like the Razorbook club, the Bridge Politics club, or the Russian club. These clubs meet quite infrequently and I just don't like the vibe. 10 to 20 people sit in a room, and they go there like as a place to do small talk forever (like their cats, some food, a town in Missouri, or incomprehensible mumbling). If you try to say something, people do not take you seriously, and it gets very weird quickly. The International Culture Team is also very boring as the bureaucrats would talk endlessly. As for Student Media groups, I went there and think it's hard to participate as a grad student beyond being a volunteer distributing flyers or something.

In USTC I usually go to one or two event an entire semester hosted by the International college or something. And although I am quite extroverted back in China and I like socializing, this extreme scarcity transition is still overwhelming. Post-socializing anxiety: I was perfectly fine when I am socializing, but then one day, I suddenly began to spend hours a day processing my emotions, and I started procrastinating, and it started to derail my schedule. Unsurprisingly, moving to a new environment didn't give me an immediate, massive hit of social validation. I think I need more time to recover, and 2 months might not be enough.

Thank-You Notes

When I arrived at the XNA airport, I was stranded in the airport overnight. My Chinese Redmi phone was not working, and I can't receive SMS. Uber and Lyft required a mobile number to sign up, and nothing is within walking distance. And an airport cleaner helped me call the local shuttle. I called them, and they came at 8:53, and she went out and pointed me to the car. I am very grateful!

When I went to the Donut shop in Walmart to buy food, I tried to buy a Donut but I only had 100 dollar bills. The worker there swiped her card and paid for me. I was so touched! I went over to have some change and gave her a 5 dollar bill.

Thanks to the Hubbs family for the International students dinner in Springdale.

Thanks to the university International orientation staff for helping me out with SSN. I went without any preparation and they're so nice!

Thanks to PI for taking us to the Crystal Bridge Museum and the Tokyo House in Rogers.

Thanks to the Chinese Grace Church for the food at Mid-autumn Festival.

Churches, Faith, and Unconditional Kindness

At first, I went to some events hosted by the BCM. I said I like C. S. Lewis and the Narnia series. and someone called Isaac tried to proselytize to me; I was like "no" and I left. They tried to invite me to lunch several times. I thought, "I will only go to church if I cannot find other social spaces." Well, now I am back at the Church again. People in the church are usually very nice and friendly.

There are a lot of church groups here like the BCM, Young Life, CRU, Bridge International, etc. The LDS also called me repeatedly. They are highly earnest without ironies. They meet every Thursday and they wanted me to go to their church on Sunday.

I had a pocket Bible New Testament. I went to the BCM again. They gave me a big Bible for free. There are dozens of people in the room, and first you are singing some worship songs, then you go to a small group to talk about faith.

Viktor Tsoi wrote a song about Christianity

А он придёт и приведёт за собой весну
И рассеет серых туч войска
А когда мы все посмотрим в глаза его
На нас из глаз его посмотрит тоска
И откроются двери домов
Да ты садись, а то в ногах правды нет
И когда мы все посмотрим в глаза его
То увидим в тех глазах Солнца свет

(Viktor Tsoi, April)

Coming form a Godless, low-trust, transactional, cynical society, spiritual guidance is what you need - for unconditional community and peace. It is very therapeutic to sit together with a group of people, close your eyes and pray. I don't know if I'll get baptized - I'm generally open to converting and we'll see how it goes. Basically I am living the first part of "Eat, Pray, Love"!